A Little Ramble about my Father & Sister

Wednesday I had a job interview for a position that is in the same department that my dad works in at the same company that we both work for now. I did not tell him that I had even applied for the job, so I was there without his knowledge. Before the interview they made me go into a small room to take a test. The room had a window so people could see in. My father walked by, saw me in there and said "Oh I didn't know you were here! Good job!" and this... angered me.

I have been thinking about the moment a lot since Wednesday. Wondering why what he said to me angered me so much. It is obviously not "normal" to get mad when someone compliments you. I guess I feel like it's a slap in the face. Almost like he is saying "WOW! I didn't think you would do something that good!". Or maybe it's because I feel like he has a very low opinion of me so when I do do something good or productive with my life it like blows him away... when really it should not because his opinion of me is not as high as it should be. The man walks around telling everyone that gets close to me that I am mentally insane and that they really should stay away.... true story, I have been told my MANY people that do not know each other that they were told this by my father.

I feel like he is laughing in my face with every "Good Job" he says to me. I also feel like he has no place to say anything like that because he has never really been there for me. I mean yes he has put a roof over my head and food on the table, but I mean emotionally... he was never there. He was always in another world. So when he does try to be emotional, it upsets me, even hurts me. Gives me the feeling of "You have never been there for me and now 21 years later you want to start? You have NO right!". Maybe I am wrong for feeling this way, but can one ever really help the way they feel?

Now don't get me wrong I love my father but our relationship is very odd because of his wife. It's like hes only 5% my father and 95% his wife's husband. It does not really make sense to me that my father lives literately 5 minutes down the road and yet has only come to see my son I think 3 times in the four months that hes been alive. Don't grandparents normally want to see their grand kids? Spend time with them... get to know them... etc.? All three times he simply sat on the couch and held Bear for about ten minutes and then went home. Doesn't love mean investing time? How can this man love me if he never has time for me or my son? It is all just warped how he has time to go out to picnics with his friends or to theme parks with his wife's sister and her husband but he does not have time for me. He refuses to invite me to his house for dinner or to do anything else with him for that matter. He wouldn't even go out to eat with me on my Birthday! And I asked him to come and he said... no. Really I am just hurt, I am hurt by his actions. Or his failure of actions rather. He talks the talk but does not walk the walk.

Unfortunately this same thing is starting to happen to my sister. We used to hang out but ever since she got a boyfriend and I had Bear it's like she is no longer interested in hanging out with me at all. She says "Well, I have just been really busy" but then she tells me about how her and her boyfriend are going to Disney or a baseball game... like REALLY! that's busy? That's playing and having fun. So she can make time to do all these fun things with him but she can not make time to even sit down and call her own sister. I have been her sister for 21 years and her boyfriend has been her boyfriend for what 21 days? I just.don't.get.it! And to top it off, when I call her she always seemed annoyed. She never wants to talk, if she is playing a game on the Xbox, she won't even put it down to talk to me. She will just say "yea" and "uh-huh" and pretend to be listening but the minute her boyfriend walks in the door she will scream his name with excitement and say she has to go. What happened to time is love? I feel like if I died tomorrow it would not even effect her all that much. And she is acting the same way with Bear as well. She never wants to hold him or talk to him or anything. When she is around (once in a blue moon) she takes little to no interest in him what so ever! Like he is just a new lamp I bought. Basically says "Oh how cute" and then moves on. She acts like he is just some baby not HER family, not HER nephew. Complete strangers are more interested in my son than my own family (really). This upsets me.

This all upsets me. It is not fair. It simply isn't. And yes I know... no one ever guaranteed life was going to be fair.

I Finally Broke Down and...

contacted my sister.

If you are lost as to why I was not wanting to contact her... click and read my previous post.

Here is how it went. I came into work yesterday to find a Christmas gift bag with gifts on my desk. Next to the bag was a little note that said the contents were for Bear and my sister. I wanted to not say anything to her but I knew I had to because it would be wrong of me to keep her gifts from her when they were clearly meant to go to her.

So I decided to call her... the last time I talked to her was probably about 3-4 weeks ago. I called... and the phone rang and rang... then voice-mail. Guess she wasn't too interested in talking to me (not surprised). So I then decided to send her a text message. Here is how it went.

Me: Hey Abdu gave me some gifts for you so you can come and get them from my house.

Her: lol....okay, are you in Bartow (that's the city I live in) for forever now? I miss you :[

Me: Yea I have been for like 2 weeks.

Her: Oh... lame

Me: You didn't call me to ask if I was or anything....

Her: I have been busy. (classic cop out excuse, what on earth is it that you were SO busy with that you could not contact your family for almost a month? I didn't say that just thought it)

Me: So..... when are you going to come over?

Her: I don't know.

And that is where I ended the conversation. I feel like I am pulling teeth to get her to talk to me and I don't want to do that. I am not interested in forcing myself into someones life even if that someone is my family. She says she misses me but to be honest I feel that her words are fake because if that was true I don't think she would have said "I don't know" when I asked her when she was coming over. If I missed someone I would make plans to see them right then and there even if the plans were not for a week.

This upset me but like I said in my previous post on the subject... I am ok with it. It is ok that my family does not care enough to contact me unless I contact them first. And I will continue to not contact them to see how long they really do go. I still have not heard from my dad at all, it has been about a month... and he lives literally 5 min down the road from me. I almost feel bad for them that their family means nothing to them. Sigh. What is this world coming to?

I've realized...

that my relationships with everyone other than Anthony and Bear are really, extremely, weak. :[

This weekend I sent my sister a picture of Bear via email. I sent her one of my favorite pictures of him that I have taken so far. This was the first picture she has seen of Bear because I do not post pictures on Facebook. She wrote back saying how cute he was. I then replied wanting to start a conversation, by telling her about how I am going to try and take professional-ish looking pics of him for Valentines day. She then replied back with "Oki Doki".... this made me realize that I have VERY weak relationships.

My sister and I were always close and I *thought* we still were but apparently that is not the case. It pains me to say this but it is true. I used to call her all the time to talk or to hang out before Bear was born. It was fun and I really enjoyed it. After Bear was born I was in Kissimmee for a long time and very busy with adjusting to life so I had little time to call and chat with her, but I did do so once. But over the coarse of 5 weeks, she did not call me one time. Not to see how I was doing, not to see how Bear was doing, not to chat, not to hang out... not one time. D: The same is true for my dad.

This got me to thinking..."Why am I always the one who has to make an effort?" aren't relationships supported to be about give and take? I feel like I am putting into it and they are noting giving anything back.

I bet that if I did not call them they would never pick up the phone and attempt to talk to me. Do they just not care? Are their lives THAT busy? I just don't understand. All I know is that I don't want to be the one that always has to call first. I want to feel that others (my family), care about me and want to talk to me, or at least make sure I am still alive.

I am just very thankful for Anthony and Bear. I know we have a tight bond and I am going to work very hard at making sure it gets stronger and stronger. I guess it's ok that I they are all I have. Now that I realize that that is indeed the situation, I AM ok with it. I wish it was not the case, I really wish my family would make some effort to show they care about me, but hey, at least I'm not alone. I get plenty of love and affection from Anthony and Bear and that is really all I need at the end of the day. I love the two of them more than anyone or anything on the planet.

As for my sister and father... I guess I won't be calling them anymore. I would like to see how long it takes for them to pick up the phone and call me. I will post a follow up once they do so (if that ever happens).

 The picture I sent my sister. (The cutest baby I ever did see, maybe I'm bias but I don't care!)

I Dream of a Family

Let me start off by saying this was a VERY long post, but at the last minute I erased the whole thing and started over again because the original one sound way too much like a rant and that is not what I was intending to do here.

Never the less....

 I want a family much like this one:

Picture courtesy of National Geographic. It was the only picture I could find with two big bears and a multitude of little bears. 

Ok so maybe not EXACTLY like this one lol but similar.

Growing up I never had the ideal family. I came from a broken home and a broken family. Still today, I have yet to really have a family, all though slowly but surely one is forming.

I think everyone wants more for their children than what they had growing up. The main thing that I want to make sure my son has is a big loving family. LOVING being the key word there.

So, I have made a vow to try my hardest to make one hell of a family for my son, for Anthony, and for myself.

Here are some of the things I dream of:

1. Everyone in the family loving each other and showing affection
2. Family movie night, where we all snuggle on the couch together
3. Reading bedtime stories together
4. Playing games together on the consoles (mainly because this is Anthony's favorite thing to do)
5. Creating holiday traditions like painting eggs on Easter etc.
6. Always eating at least one meal a day together
7. Trying to spend as much time together as a group
8. Family game night like Hasbro
9. Family outings
10. Baking together (going to be hard to get Anthony to do this one lol)
11. Family photos (I am not hopeful on this at all as I have to pull teeth to get Anthony in a picture, but hey I can dream!)

I really just truly want to surround my my son with love and affection, the best way I know how. I do want to eventually expand out family so that he can have siblings to love and be loved by as well. I think the family in my mind that I picture is probably unrealistic, but that's okay because it is just a goal. I know what is realistic and what is not and I know our family will not be picture perfect, but I am going to try extremely hard to make it as close to perfect as I can.

I can not wait to embark on this beautiful journey with Anthony and our son.

Here's to dreaming and here's to the future!

My Sister is Broken! :O

My sister is broken! :O

Okay, not really ;p but she did have surgery yesterday morning. Since our annual Thanksgiving break vacation just started, I am planning on staying with her for the next four days then heading over to Kissimmee to be with Anthony and my sweet Charlie for the holidays.

My sister's surgery went well, all she had done was have her tonsils taken out so it wasn't a super big deal but big enough that she shouldn't be alone, so you know what that means? Lots of movies, crafts, Lego Batman, and ICE CREAM!

Flowers my little sister got for my older sister.

Largest soup collection I ever did see! She sure is stocked up :]

Today was also the annual Thanksgiving luncheon at work. Every year the whole IST department goes to my uncle's house (he happens to be the boss of all of IST), to eat and mingle then go home early and enjoy their 10 vacation days. I am NOT a social person and I HATE social events. So, I didn't enjoy going to this at all but of course I got dragged into it by my boss, my uncle and my dad (he also works in IST).

 Most people do not know that I am pregnant, I just feel odd telling people because they seem to not approve of it which really upsets me, especially because I am so excited. This was slightly annoying as I had to keep my hands over my belly to try to avoid confrontation from anyone. It worked, no one confronted me, but I can't help but think I saw lots of staring eyes. My dad and I ate a potluck lunch and then left and now we are officially on vacation just lazing around. Ahhh vacation. :]

All the mashed potatoes and soft stuff was gone from the luncheon before we got there because like always we were fashionably late. So I went to Wal-Mart afterwards and bought my sister a pumpkin pie.... so she can eat the orange part and I can eat the crust ;p