A Little Ramble about my Father & Sister

Wednesday I had a job interview for a position that is in the same department that my dad works in at the same company that we both work for now. I did not tell him that I had even applied for the job, so I was there without his knowledge. Before the interview they made me go into a small room to take a test. The room had a window so people could see in. My father walked by, saw me in there and said "Oh I didn't know you were here! Good job!" and this... angered me.

I have been thinking about the moment a lot since Wednesday. Wondering why what he said to me angered me so much. It is obviously not "normal" to get mad when someone compliments you. I guess I feel like it's a slap in the face. Almost like he is saying "WOW! I didn't think you would do something that good!". Or maybe it's because I feel like he has a very low opinion of me so when I do do something good or productive with my life it like blows him away... when really it should not because his opinion of me is not as high as it should be. The man walks around telling everyone that gets close to me that I am mentally insane and that they really should stay away.... true story, I have been told my MANY people that do not know each other that they were told this by my father.

I feel like he is laughing in my face with every "Good Job" he says to me. I also feel like he has no place to say anything like that because he has never really been there for me. I mean yes he has put a roof over my head and food on the table, but I mean emotionally... he was never there. He was always in another world. So when he does try to be emotional, it upsets me, even hurts me. Gives me the feeling of "You have never been there for me and now 21 years later you want to start? You have NO right!". Maybe I am wrong for feeling this way, but can one ever really help the way they feel?

Now don't get me wrong I love my father but our relationship is very odd because of his wife. It's like hes only 5% my father and 95% his wife's husband. It does not really make sense to me that my father lives literately 5 minutes down the road and yet has only come to see my son I think 3 times in the four months that hes been alive. Don't grandparents normally want to see their grand kids? Spend time with them... get to know them... etc.? All three times he simply sat on the couch and held Bear for about ten minutes and then went home. Doesn't love mean investing time? How can this man love me if he never has time for me or my son? It is all just warped how he has time to go out to picnics with his friends or to theme parks with his wife's sister and her husband but he does not have time for me. He refuses to invite me to his house for dinner or to do anything else with him for that matter. He wouldn't even go out to eat with me on my Birthday! And I asked him to come and he said... no. Really I am just hurt, I am hurt by his actions. Or his failure of actions rather. He talks the talk but does not walk the walk.

Unfortunately this same thing is starting to happen to my sister. We used to hang out but ever since she got a boyfriend and I had Bear it's like she is no longer interested in hanging out with me at all. She says "Well, I have just been really busy" but then she tells me about how her and her boyfriend are going to Disney or a baseball game... like REALLY! that's busy? That's playing and having fun. So she can make time to do all these fun things with him but she can not make time to even sit down and call her own sister. I have been her sister for 21 years and her boyfriend has been her boyfriend for what 21 days? I just.don't.get.it! And to top it off, when I call her she always seemed annoyed. She never wants to talk, if she is playing a game on the Xbox, she won't even put it down to talk to me. She will just say "yea" and "uh-huh" and pretend to be listening but the minute her boyfriend walks in the door she will scream his name with excitement and say she has to go. What happened to time is love? I feel like if I died tomorrow it would not even effect her all that much. And she is acting the same way with Bear as well. She never wants to hold him or talk to him or anything. When she is around (once in a blue moon) she takes little to no interest in him what so ever! Like he is just a new lamp I bought. Basically says "Oh how cute" and then moves on. She acts like he is just some baby not HER family, not HER nephew. Complete strangers are more interested in my son than my own family (really). This upsets me.

This all upsets me. It is not fair. It simply isn't. And yes I know... no one ever guaranteed life was going to be fair.

A Letter to my Father

Dear Anwar,
We spoke on the phone last Friday, you and I. You told me that Amina was working in the cafeteria at my job site temporarily for a few days this week and that I should go on down there during lunch time and say hello and wish her a happy birthday because her birthday was last Sunday. I told you I would think about it. I have thought about it... and I have decided that I will absolutely do no such thing!

I know you want your picture perfect little family with your wife and three daughters and their husbands and kids and what not, but I am sorry to say that is not going to happen. You can have your family, but I will not be a part of anything having to do with your wife.

I know you want to be a part of Bear's life and I am not stopping you, but you're gonna have to be a part of his life at my house because I will not go to yours. Amina is not my family, she is simply your wife and my sister's mother and Bear is not her family. After she did what she did to me... she has no right to even think that I would consider her my family. I know she really wants to see Bear, but really Bear has nothing to do with her. I am sorry it has to be this way but it does.

I refuse to talk to her until she approaches me and tells me she is sorry and admits that she was wrong all those years. That for ten years she accused me of something I did not do. Everyday, over and over and over again. That for ten years she punished me for crimes I never committed. I can not talk to or be around a lady who thinks that I am capable of such acts and I absolutely refuse to do so.

Once again. I am sorry it has to be this way. It is not your fault. I am just trying to protect myself and my family.

A Letter to my Father

Dear Anwar,

Just when I accepted the fact that you wanted nothing to do with me and made peace with letting you go... you decide to go and call me up out of the blue. Here I am at work just doing my work... and you call me. Telling me you just wanted to say hello. This is so ironic as I just posted a letter to you talking about how I was hurt that you never call me to see how I am doing. I almost feel like you are reading my blog, or as if someone who is reading my blog told you about what I had said. Maybe it was just God's way of telling me that you are my father and I can not just simply forget about you.

We talked on the phone and it was kinda awkward to be honest. You asked about how Bear was and if we are having fun with him, and you asked about his insurance and my insurance too. You then said you wanted me to send you pictures of Bear. I thought this was sort of odd. If you want to see my baby, why not just come over and see him? No need for pictures when you live literally right down the street. Never the less, I sent you the pictures. You did not reply to my email though with any comments, which sorta made me upset.

You also mentioned that my sister was coming to your house that weekend to eat dinner with the family and with my uncle too, you were having a big gathering but you then FAILED to invite me. Why would you tell me about how the whole family is coming over to eat dinner at your house, and then NOT invite me? This really felt like a slap in the face. I feel like you are treating me like an outcast. Like a black sheep. Like I am tainted and not good enough to even come over to your house and eat dinner with the family.

After talking to you I had mixed emotions. I was glad you called me and realized that no matter how bad I want to, I can not simply cut you out of my life. It is not how things work. But, I did find myself wishing that you had never called me. Your phone call caused me more pain than it did happiness. I do however, appreciate the thought, and would like to say thank you for at least trying to be my father, even if you had it was in a sorta twisted way.

A few days later I called you to ask you for your email. This was when I was sending the pics to you. You answered and were at my younger sister's softball game. There was lots of cheering and yelling in the background. I do appreciate that you still answered the phone. This made me feel like you cared on some level. We went on to talk about how it was cold out and late too. It was about 8 PM, I stated that this was sorta late for a softball game. You said that you would have invited me but you knew I would not be able to go because it was too cold for Bear. That was fine with me, I would not have went anyways because you are right it was too cold for Bear. I then told you that Bear normally goes to bed around 8 and we can not go out after 7 because he will raise hell if he is not home when he gets tired and wants to go to bed. You then said "That's good! it will keep you in line!" This upset me a ton! Keep me in line? What do you think I am some sort of party girl? I don't even go out with friends! Hell, I don't even have friends! I go to work, go home, cook, spend time with my family, and then go to bed! What makes you think I need to be "kept in line?" Really you do not know anything about me if that is the way you think I am!

I also asked you when you were going to come over and see Bear, you said you were thinking about it but had to fit it into your schedule and that "there a was time for everything" REALLY??!!?? you have to FIT IT IN YOUR SCHEDULE?! to see your family?! Ridiculous! Not to mention (again) that I live right down the freaking street! You really blow my mind with the way you think. I wish I had the guts to tell you how I really feel. I feel like a coward typing all this on the computer for you to never see instead of saying it to your face. I just feel like it is not right to yell at your parents so I can not bring myself to do it. And it is of coarse a lot easier to just let things go than to get into it over them.

A few days later you called again at work to tell me that my old number had now been given to someone else who happened to have the same name as me. Kinda odd but it was good to finally have a conversation where you did not offend me for once.

Oh boy, I just don't know what I am going to do with you. I guess I will just sit back and see how things go for now and hope you change your attitude toward me, and let go whatever it is that has you all sour towards me, or at least tell me what it is so I can clarify things or fix them. I highly doubt that will happen but we will see.

Mug Shot

Have you ever Googled random people before just to see what comes up? I'm pretty sure everyone has. If they have a comman name chances are you won't find anything with out going through 154465123 pages but if they have a rare name you will more than likely get stuff on the first page.

About a week ago I got bored and started looking though Google Images. I was searching a bunch of random stuff and then I decided to start searching people's names. A lot of them turned up with nothing or I was just too lazy to go through all the pages and find the person. 

I did come across something very interesting though. When searching my fathers name (which is a rare name). I stumbled across this:

A mugshot!

I tried to access the record and see what exactly he was arrested for but could not manage to find out. He did tell me that he was arrested once because his friend got stopped by a cop and when asked his name he gave him my fathers name. The cop let him go but later issued a warrant and came and arrested my father. He told me they realized they had the wrong guy and let him go.

Is that true? I have no idea. It does seem like a good story to tell you daughter when you do not want her to really know why you were arrested. And at the time when he told me I was probably no older than 16.

I do find it sort of odd that he is SMILING in the picture! If my friend did that too me I would be blazed not smiling.

It is very interesting what one can learn from the good ol' Internet now a days.

A Letter to my Father

Dear Anwar,

You may be wondering why this is addressed "Dear Anwar", the reason is, I feel abandoned and like you no longer want to be my father, so why should I call you anything other than your name? I feel so hurt that you no longer call me or come to see me. You are were one of the most important people in my life. Now you don't even exist. I just do not understand what I did wrong. What is it that I did that was so bad that you had to banish me from the family? As small and dysfunctional as it may be it was still MY family. You never call me to see how I am doing or how Bear is doing. Since Bear was born (almost 2 months ago) you have only seen him one time and during that time you only held him for about 30 sec. than ran out the door to go home to your wife because she was calling you. Do you not care about the fact that WE are your family? Are we nothing to you? Or are you just so scared of your wife that you are bending over for her and not contacting us? What is it? I would really love to know.

I am also very hurt and upset that you would not help my family and I (which is also YOUR family) when we were stranded 30 miles away from home. We were standing outside by our car for 5 hours with our newborn baby and you could not even help us because you needed to "go home and relax". It is beyond me. You talk to me on the phone like we are best pals but then you refuse to help me, come over to see me, or even call me first. I am always the one who has to make the first call. If I do not call you I will not hear from you for weeks. What if I die? Ever think about that? How would you even know? You would not.

I heard from Raihan that you invited her to go the Strawberry Festival next weekend with you and the family. What about me? I want to come to, I want to spend time with my "family"! If you can invite her, why can't you invite me? I really don't understand your logic.

I am very remorseful when I say this, but I am currently in the process of letting you go. It is very apparent that you want nothing to do with me or my son. I am not going to continue to make an effort to be a part of the family and have you in our lives with you acting the way you are. This is not the way you treat the people you love.

I am very sorry that it has come to this but I do not know what else to do.

I Dream of a Family

Let me start off by saying this was a VERY long post, but at the last minute I erased the whole thing and started over again because the original one sound way too much like a rant and that is not what I was intending to do here.

Never the less....

 I want a family much like this one:

Picture courtesy of National Geographic. It was the only picture I could find with two big bears and a multitude of little bears. 

Ok so maybe not EXACTLY like this one lol but similar.

Growing up I never had the ideal family. I came from a broken home and a broken family. Still today, I have yet to really have a family, all though slowly but surely one is forming.

I think everyone wants more for their children than what they had growing up. The main thing that I want to make sure my son has is a big loving family. LOVING being the key word there.

So, I have made a vow to try my hardest to make one hell of a family for my son, for Anthony, and for myself.

Here are some of the things I dream of:

1. Everyone in the family loving each other and showing affection
2. Family movie night, where we all snuggle on the couch together
3. Reading bedtime stories together
4. Playing games together on the consoles (mainly because this is Anthony's favorite thing to do)
5. Creating holiday traditions like painting eggs on Easter etc.
6. Always eating at least one meal a day together
7. Trying to spend as much time together as a group
8. Family game night like Hasbro
9. Family outings
10. Baking together (going to be hard to get Anthony to do this one lol)
11. Family photos (I am not hopeful on this at all as I have to pull teeth to get Anthony in a picture, but hey I can dream!)

I really just truly want to surround my my son with love and affection, the best way I know how. I do want to eventually expand out family so that he can have siblings to love and be loved by as well. I think the family in my mind that I picture is probably unrealistic, but that's okay because it is just a goal. I know what is realistic and what is not and I know our family will not be picture perfect, but I am going to try extremely hard to make it as close to perfect as I can.

I can not wait to embark on this beautiful journey with Anthony and our son.

Here's to dreaming and here's to the future!