A Little Ramble about my Father & Sister

Wednesday I had a job interview for a position that is in the same department that my dad works in at the same company that we both work for now. I did not tell him that I had even applied for the job, so I was there without his knowledge. Before the interview they made me go into a small room to take a test. The room had a window so people could see in. My father walked by, saw me in there and said "Oh I didn't know you were here! Good job!" and this... angered me.

I have been thinking about the moment a lot since Wednesday. Wondering why what he said to me angered me so much. It is obviously not "normal" to get mad when someone compliments you. I guess I feel like it's a slap in the face. Almost like he is saying "WOW! I didn't think you would do something that good!". Or maybe it's because I feel like he has a very low opinion of me so when I do do something good or productive with my life it like blows him away... when really it should not because his opinion of me is not as high as it should be. The man walks around telling everyone that gets close to me that I am mentally insane and that they really should stay away.... true story, I have been told my MANY people that do not know each other that they were told this by my father.

I feel like he is laughing in my face with every "Good Job" he says to me. I also feel like he has no place to say anything like that because he has never really been there for me. I mean yes he has put a roof over my head and food on the table, but I mean emotionally... he was never there. He was always in another world. So when he does try to be emotional, it upsets me, even hurts me. Gives me the feeling of "You have never been there for me and now 21 years later you want to start? You have NO right!". Maybe I am wrong for feeling this way, but can one ever really help the way they feel?

Now don't get me wrong I love my father but our relationship is very odd because of his wife. It's like hes only 5% my father and 95% his wife's husband. It does not really make sense to me that my father lives literately 5 minutes down the road and yet has only come to see my son I think 3 times in the four months that hes been alive. Don't grandparents normally want to see their grand kids? Spend time with them... get to know them... etc.? All three times he simply sat on the couch and held Bear for about ten minutes and then went home. Doesn't love mean investing time? How can this man love me if he never has time for me or my son? It is all just warped how he has time to go out to picnics with his friends or to theme parks with his wife's sister and her husband but he does not have time for me. He refuses to invite me to his house for dinner or to do anything else with him for that matter. He wouldn't even go out to eat with me on my Birthday! And I asked him to come and he said... no. Really I am just hurt, I am hurt by his actions. Or his failure of actions rather. He talks the talk but does not walk the walk.

Unfortunately this same thing is starting to happen to my sister. We used to hang out but ever since she got a boyfriend and I had Bear it's like she is no longer interested in hanging out with me at all. She says "Well, I have just been really busy" but then she tells me about how her and her boyfriend are going to Disney or a baseball game... like REALLY! that's busy? That's playing and having fun. So she can make time to do all these fun things with him but she can not make time to even sit down and call her own sister. I have been her sister for 21 years and her boyfriend has been her boyfriend for what 21 days? I just.don't.get.it! And to top it off, when I call her she always seemed annoyed. She never wants to talk, if she is playing a game on the Xbox, she won't even put it down to talk to me. She will just say "yea" and "uh-huh" and pretend to be listening but the minute her boyfriend walks in the door she will scream his name with excitement and say she has to go. What happened to time is love? I feel like if I died tomorrow it would not even effect her all that much. And she is acting the same way with Bear as well. She never wants to hold him or talk to him or anything. When she is around (once in a blue moon) she takes little to no interest in him what so ever! Like he is just a new lamp I bought. Basically says "Oh how cute" and then moves on. She acts like he is just some baby not HER family, not HER nephew. Complete strangers are more interested in my son than my own family (really). This upsets me.

This all upsets me. It is not fair. It simply isn't. And yes I know... no one ever guaranteed life was going to be fair.

This Dog of Mine...

Is driving me crazy!!!

If it isn't one thing it's another. It is like his behavior is on the a huge decline. Anthony and I sort of think he is acting out because he is jealous of Bear and wants attention. Ever since Bear was born Charlie has just turned into a problem dog. I love him I really do, and I am trying so very hard but I do not know how much more of this I can take!

It started with him peeing in the house. He would pee even though we took him out. I don't mean like once in a while I mean like EVERYDAY sometimes even two or three times in one day. He is house trained and he knows that it is wrong. That is why he won't ever pee while there are people around in the same room. He always waits until we are sleeping or out of the house, or if we are distracted he will go into the bedroom and pee on the floor. And people, we have carpet! He is staining it more and more by the day and we do not know what to do. He even hides it by covering it up with clothes or blankets or anything he can find. So sometimes we miss it and it soaks in and makes a really bad stain.

Then he started pooping in the house! So now he is doing both inside for no reason! He once pooped at least 5 times in a pile of CLEAN laundry and hid it in the clothes. We did not find out for days later. Yes I know my bad for leaving clean laundry out for days and not putting it up, but STILL unacceptable on his behalf!

So we decided to suck it up and rough it out in hopes that it will get better. It did, a little but he is still peeing and pooping inside the house, only about 2 times a week now though. But he has started doing other things that are less than favorable.

He started eating the garbage, which he never used to do before! So we can no longer leave the garbage bag on the floor (meaning not in the garbage can) because sometimes we take the bag out of the can and set it on the floor so we can fit more in it. Well, we can't do that anymore cuz Charlie will tear it all up. One day Anthony came home from dropping me off at work to find the WHOLE house covered in garbage! and not to mention sauces and God knows what else smeared all over the carpet! We learned quick on this one and never left the garbage out of the can again since, but really... it annoys me that we can not do that.

He has also started eating and tearing apart dirty diapers! Sometimes we are tired and forget to take a dirty diaper to the trash and leave it on the changing mat (which is on the floor). Charlie is now eating them! He tears them open and throws the poopy mess all over the house and digs in. I know if we were more careful and made sure we always put them in the trash this would not be an issue but there is clearly something going on here because Charlie NEVER used to do this before. He just randomly started doing it recently.

And that's not all! This past week he has added dumping his food bowl over to the list. I am not sure why he is doing this either! He just dumps it out all onto the floor. Every time we fill it up. And then eats it through out the day. So we have a dog food mess on our floor basically all the time because once we put the food back in the bowl... he just dumps it again.

One of his newest issues. He is eating Bear's toys! He chewed through 3 of Bear's plastic toys and a binky. He also chewed through a cat toy that we were playing with him (Charlie) with which is sort of not a big deal but it was made of plastic and he SHREDDED it all under our bed so it is in a million pieces under there and it would be very difficult for us to clean it up with out moving the bed (which is like imposable).  Not to mention, he ruined the FIRST thing I ever bought for Bear. When I found out I was pregnant I bought him a cute little sheep lovie. It was very extremely special to me. And Charlie took it under our bed and tore it to shreds. I am so very upset about this.

 And last but not least... he is now eating Bear's bottles! Ripping the nipples off tearing them to shreds and attempting to drink the formula inside. Those bottles are $5 a piece and we are now down to about 6 that have not been torn up. This really has got to stop! And now we can't put Bear on the mat on the floor with toys or a bottle unless we lock Charlie in the room because we never know when he is going to go to town on them! And when we leave the house we have to make sure all the toys and all the bottles and all the diapers and the binkys are all out of his reach. Because we have come home several times to a huge disaster in our house and a lot of things ruined.

Oh Charlie, I have not the slightest idea what to do with you! I hope and pray that you knock it off because my patients is running very very thin at this point. I am SOOOO close to giving up and putting you on Craigslist! The main thing holding me back is that you were the dog that we got when I was pregnant. You are the dog in all the pictures with Bear as a tiny baby I was hoping so badly for you to grow with Bear and for the two of you to become great pals. But at this point I do not think the aggravation is worth it. You were a good dog... what happened?

 

P.S. He is NOT allowed on Bear's boppy or on any of his blankets either this was taken in the morning, Bear's boppy fell off the bed during the night and Charlie had been sleeping in it all night long. Next to him (the blue blanket) is his blanket that we keep on the floor next to our bed for him to sleep on.

I Dream of a Family

Let me start off by saying this was a VERY long post, but at the last minute I erased the whole thing and started over again because the original one sound way too much like a rant and that is not what I was intending to do here.

Never the less....

 I want a family much like this one:

Picture courtesy of National Geographic. It was the only picture I could find with two big bears and a multitude of little bears. 

Ok so maybe not EXACTLY like this one lol but similar.

Growing up I never had the ideal family. I came from a broken home and a broken family. Still today, I have yet to really have a family, all though slowly but surely one is forming.

I think everyone wants more for their children than what they had growing up. The main thing that I want to make sure my son has is a big loving family. LOVING being the key word there.

So, I have made a vow to try my hardest to make one hell of a family for my son, for Anthony, and for myself.

Here are some of the things I dream of:

1. Everyone in the family loving each other and showing affection
2. Family movie night, where we all snuggle on the couch together
3. Reading bedtime stories together
4. Playing games together on the consoles (mainly because this is Anthony's favorite thing to do)
5. Creating holiday traditions like painting eggs on Easter etc.
6. Always eating at least one meal a day together
7. Trying to spend as much time together as a group
8. Family game night like Hasbro
9. Family outings
10. Baking together (going to be hard to get Anthony to do this one lol)
11. Family photos (I am not hopeful on this at all as I have to pull teeth to get Anthony in a picture, but hey I can dream!)

I really just truly want to surround my my son with love and affection, the best way I know how. I do want to eventually expand out family so that he can have siblings to love and be loved by as well. I think the family in my mind that I picture is probably unrealistic, but that's okay because it is just a goal. I know what is realistic and what is not and I know our family will not be picture perfect, but I am going to try extremely hard to make it as close to perfect as I can.

I can not wait to embark on this beautiful journey with Anthony and our son.

Here's to dreaming and here's to the future!