A Little Ramble about my Father & Sister

Wednesday I had a job interview for a position that is in the same department that my dad works in at the same company that we both work for now. I did not tell him that I had even applied for the job, so I was there without his knowledge. Before the interview they made me go into a small room to take a test. The room had a window so people could see in. My father walked by, saw me in there and said "Oh I didn't know you were here! Good job!" and this... angered me.

I have been thinking about the moment a lot since Wednesday. Wondering why what he said to me angered me so much. It is obviously not "normal" to get mad when someone compliments you. I guess I feel like it's a slap in the face. Almost like he is saying "WOW! I didn't think you would do something that good!". Or maybe it's because I feel like he has a very low opinion of me so when I do do something good or productive with my life it like blows him away... when really it should not because his opinion of me is not as high as it should be. The man walks around telling everyone that gets close to me that I am mentally insane and that they really should stay away.... true story, I have been told my MANY people that do not know each other that they were told this by my father.

I feel like he is laughing in my face with every "Good Job" he says to me. I also feel like he has no place to say anything like that because he has never really been there for me. I mean yes he has put a roof over my head and food on the table, but I mean emotionally... he was never there. He was always in another world. So when he does try to be emotional, it upsets me, even hurts me. Gives me the feeling of "You have never been there for me and now 21 years later you want to start? You have NO right!". Maybe I am wrong for feeling this way, but can one ever really help the way they feel?

Now don't get me wrong I love my father but our relationship is very odd because of his wife. It's like hes only 5% my father and 95% his wife's husband. It does not really make sense to me that my father lives literately 5 minutes down the road and yet has only come to see my son I think 3 times in the four months that hes been alive. Don't grandparents normally want to see their grand kids? Spend time with them... get to know them... etc.? All three times he simply sat on the couch and held Bear for about ten minutes and then went home. Doesn't love mean investing time? How can this man love me if he never has time for me or my son? It is all just warped how he has time to go out to picnics with his friends or to theme parks with his wife's sister and her husband but he does not have time for me. He refuses to invite me to his house for dinner or to do anything else with him for that matter. He wouldn't even go out to eat with me on my Birthday! And I asked him to come and he said... no. Really I am just hurt, I am hurt by his actions. Or his failure of actions rather. He talks the talk but does not walk the walk.

Unfortunately this same thing is starting to happen to my sister. We used to hang out but ever since she got a boyfriend and I had Bear it's like she is no longer interested in hanging out with me at all. She says "Well, I have just been really busy" but then she tells me about how her and her boyfriend are going to Disney or a baseball game... like REALLY! that's busy? That's playing and having fun. So she can make time to do all these fun things with him but she can not make time to even sit down and call her own sister. I have been her sister for 21 years and her boyfriend has been her boyfriend for what 21 days? I just.don't.get.it! And to top it off, when I call her she always seemed annoyed. She never wants to talk, if she is playing a game on the Xbox, she won't even put it down to talk to me. She will just say "yea" and "uh-huh" and pretend to be listening but the minute her boyfriend walks in the door she will scream his name with excitement and say she has to go. What happened to time is love? I feel like if I died tomorrow it would not even effect her all that much. And she is acting the same way with Bear as well. She never wants to hold him or talk to him or anything. When she is around (once in a blue moon) she takes little to no interest in him what so ever! Like he is just a new lamp I bought. Basically says "Oh how cute" and then moves on. She acts like he is just some baby not HER family, not HER nephew. Complete strangers are more interested in my son than my own family (really). This upsets me.

This all upsets me. It is not fair. It simply isn't. And yes I know... no one ever guaranteed life was going to be fair.

I've realized...

that my relationships with everyone other than Anthony and Bear are really, extremely, weak. :[

This weekend I sent my sister a picture of Bear via email. I sent her one of my favorite pictures of him that I have taken so far. This was the first picture she has seen of Bear because I do not post pictures on Facebook. She wrote back saying how cute he was. I then replied wanting to start a conversation, by telling her about how I am going to try and take professional-ish looking pics of him for Valentines day. She then replied back with "Oki Doki".... this made me realize that I have VERY weak relationships.

My sister and I were always close and I *thought* we still were but apparently that is not the case. It pains me to say this but it is true. I used to call her all the time to talk or to hang out before Bear was born. It was fun and I really enjoyed it. After Bear was born I was in Kissimmee for a long time and very busy with adjusting to life so I had little time to call and chat with her, but I did do so once. But over the coarse of 5 weeks, she did not call me one time. Not to see how I was doing, not to see how Bear was doing, not to chat, not to hang out... not one time. D: The same is true for my dad.

This got me to thinking..."Why am I always the one who has to make an effort?" aren't relationships supported to be about give and take? I feel like I am putting into it and they are noting giving anything back.

I bet that if I did not call them they would never pick up the phone and attempt to talk to me. Do they just not care? Are their lives THAT busy? I just don't understand. All I know is that I don't want to be the one that always has to call first. I want to feel that others (my family), care about me and want to talk to me, or at least make sure I am still alive.

I am just very thankful for Anthony and Bear. I know we have a tight bond and I am going to work very hard at making sure it gets stronger and stronger. I guess it's ok that I they are all I have. Now that I realize that that is indeed the situation, I AM ok with it. I wish it was not the case, I really wish my family would make some effort to show they care about me, but hey, at least I'm not alone. I get plenty of love and affection from Anthony and Bear and that is really all I need at the end of the day. I love the two of them more than anyone or anything on the planet.

As for my sister and father... I guess I won't be calling them anymore. I would like to see how long it takes for them to pick up the phone and call me. I will post a follow up once they do so (if that ever happens).

 The picture I sent my sister. (The cutest baby I ever did see, maybe I'm bias but I don't care!)