You Know What Grinds My Gears?

1. The saying "little one" - I have no idea why but when people refer to my baby as my "little one" it REALLY annoys me! a lot.
2. The saying "let's get you cleaned up" or "go get him cleaned up" - Anther one of those things that I have idea why it annoys me but it does. I would much rather they say "Come on, lets go take a bath" or "go give him a bath". 
3. When people refer to their multiples as a unit ALL the time. Example: the twins are down for a nap, the triplets just ate dinner... etc. I understand every now and then saying it but some people ALWAYS refer to their kids or others kids like that. It really annoys me, as they are not one person they are two or three or w.e. 
4. When people call their children "the baby" - This makes your baby seem like an object! "The baby" is a human with a name, you wouldn't call your husband the man or your wife the woman now would you? Didn't think so. My father always calls my son "the baby" he has never once called him by his name. It drives me up the wall insane!
5. When my dog stares at me while I am eating - My dog has the habit of sitting in front of me (or anyone else with food) and staring at them with out moving until they are done eating. He does not beg or cry, he just stares. He will not go away or stop staring for anything (not even if you give him some of your food) the only way is to physically pick him up and lock him in another room! I love my dog but seriously... this is really starting to piss me off.
6. The way my dog eats - Again, I love you Charlie but really? Come on! His food bowl is in the kitchen. Charlie will take a bite of his food and then run out of the kitchen and into the living room where Anthony and I are, and eat it there. He will then run back to the kitchen and do it again! If we are both in the kitchen he will run with his bite to the dining room and look at us from there while he chews and then run back to the kitchen for another bite and back to the dining room again to chew it. So while we are trying to cook we have a dog running back and forth under our feet. I tried moving the bowl to the dining room and he just does the same thing but runs with his bite from the dining room to the living room. I know he is a dog so this does not make me that mad but it sure does irritate me and I really wish he would stop doing it!
7. When people are late to everything - How hard is to be at a place at the time that you say you are going to be there at? I understand being late every now and then, life happens. But some people are late EVERY time! Like my sister for example. If my sister says she will be there at 4 you can expect her to be there between 6-7. Really. And my father, he used to drive me home from work, when he tells me he will be there in 10 minutes what he really means is 25 and this is an every time occurrence. When they arrive on the time that they say they are going to it is basically jaw dropping. I wonder how they manage to get to work on time!? Then again I know they do or else they would not have a job, so maybe they just do not care to arrive anywhere else on time. That says a lot about a persons character.
8. When people don't throw stuff away - Why would you put trash on the counter if the trash can is LITERALLY the same distance away?! It just does not make sense to me, it really doesn't. Or why would you leave trash anywhere other than the trash can when the trash can is only a few steps away, it only takes a whole 46 seconds to walk to the trash can! Why would you put the trash anywhere else? Same goes for laundry. Why would you put your dirty laundry on the floor when there is a hamper or basket just a few feet away? Pure laziness it baffles me.

This Dog of Mine...

Is driving me crazy!!!

If it isn't one thing it's another. It is like his behavior is on the a huge decline. Anthony and I sort of think he is acting out because he is jealous of Bear and wants attention. Ever since Bear was born Charlie has just turned into a problem dog. I love him I really do, and I am trying so very hard but I do not know how much more of this I can take!

It started with him peeing in the house. He would pee even though we took him out. I don't mean like once in a while I mean like EVERYDAY sometimes even two or three times in one day. He is house trained and he knows that it is wrong. That is why he won't ever pee while there are people around in the same room. He always waits until we are sleeping or out of the house, or if we are distracted he will go into the bedroom and pee on the floor. And people, we have carpet! He is staining it more and more by the day and we do not know what to do. He even hides it by covering it up with clothes or blankets or anything he can find. So sometimes we miss it and it soaks in and makes a really bad stain.

Then he started pooping in the house! So now he is doing both inside for no reason! He once pooped at least 5 times in a pile of CLEAN laundry and hid it in the clothes. We did not find out for days later. Yes I know my bad for leaving clean laundry out for days and not putting it up, but STILL unacceptable on his behalf!

So we decided to suck it up and rough it out in hopes that it will get better. It did, a little but he is still peeing and pooping inside the house, only about 2 times a week now though. But he has started doing other things that are less than favorable.

He started eating the garbage, which he never used to do before! So we can no longer leave the garbage bag on the floor (meaning not in the garbage can) because sometimes we take the bag out of the can and set it on the floor so we can fit more in it. Well, we can't do that anymore cuz Charlie will tear it all up. One day Anthony came home from dropping me off at work to find the WHOLE house covered in garbage! and not to mention sauces and God knows what else smeared all over the carpet! We learned quick on this one and never left the garbage out of the can again since, but really... it annoys me that we can not do that.

He has also started eating and tearing apart dirty diapers! Sometimes we are tired and forget to take a dirty diaper to the trash and leave it on the changing mat (which is on the floor). Charlie is now eating them! He tears them open and throws the poopy mess all over the house and digs in. I know if we were more careful and made sure we always put them in the trash this would not be an issue but there is clearly something going on here because Charlie NEVER used to do this before. He just randomly started doing it recently.

And that's not all! This past week he has added dumping his food bowl over to the list. I am not sure why he is doing this either! He just dumps it out all onto the floor. Every time we fill it up. And then eats it through out the day. So we have a dog food mess on our floor basically all the time because once we put the food back in the bowl... he just dumps it again.

One of his newest issues. He is eating Bear's toys! He chewed through 3 of Bear's plastic toys and a binky. He also chewed through a cat toy that we were playing with him (Charlie) with which is sort of not a big deal but it was made of plastic and he SHREDDED it all under our bed so it is in a million pieces under there and it would be very difficult for us to clean it up with out moving the bed (which is like imposable).  Not to mention, he ruined the FIRST thing I ever bought for Bear. When I found out I was pregnant I bought him a cute little sheep lovie. It was very extremely special to me. And Charlie took it under our bed and tore it to shreds. I am so very upset about this.

 And last but not least... he is now eating Bear's bottles! Ripping the nipples off tearing them to shreds and attempting to drink the formula inside. Those bottles are $5 a piece and we are now down to about 6 that have not been torn up. This really has got to stop! And now we can't put Bear on the mat on the floor with toys or a bottle unless we lock Charlie in the room because we never know when he is going to go to town on them! And when we leave the house we have to make sure all the toys and all the bottles and all the diapers and the binkys are all out of his reach. Because we have come home several times to a huge disaster in our house and a lot of things ruined.

Oh Charlie, I have not the slightest idea what to do with you! I hope and pray that you knock it off because my patients is running very very thin at this point. I am SOOOO close to giving up and putting you on Craigslist! The main thing holding me back is that you were the dog that we got when I was pregnant. You are the dog in all the pictures with Bear as a tiny baby I was hoping so badly for you to grow with Bear and for the two of you to become great pals. But at this point I do not think the aggravation is worth it. You were a good dog... what happened?

 

P.S. He is NOT allowed on Bear's boppy or on any of his blankets either this was taken in the morning, Bear's boppy fell off the bed during the night and Charlie had been sleeping in it all night long. Next to him (the blue blanket) is his blanket that we keep on the floor next to our bed for him to sleep on.

Mini Diet Update

Last night I had 1 cup of macaroni and cheese and a TINY piece of buffalo chicken along with my salad. I had to eat the tiny piece of chicken just to taste the new recipe I had cooked for Anthony. I ate the salad first and then the chicken. Once I got halfway through the macaroni and cheese I was full! YAY. So I put the remaining 1/2 cup in the fridge for tomorrow.

This morning I tried eating breakfast. I had 1 cup of corn flakes with 1/3 cup of fat free Lactaid and this was about 145 calories. So my calorie intake is now right at about 828 like I want it to be, all though it may go over just a little on some days. I ate the cereal at 6:30 am and started feeling very hungry and calorie deprived (tired and shaky) at around 10:30 am. I eat lunch at 12 so this was a bit of an issue. I tried drinking water to help the shakiness thinking that maybe I was dehydrated. It helped a little bit and I felt better by 11 but ultimately I know my body wanted food. I am thinking that maybe my body reacted this way because it is not used to eating breakfast. I am not sure if I should keep eating breakfast in hopes I will get used to it and adjust or if I should stop eating breakfast to prevent this.

We shall see.

Dieting Update #2

Monday, I started my diet! All weekend long I knew I was planing on starting on Monday, so I snacked away on all the left over cookies and candies and chips we had around the house. One of my favorite things to eat was sugar! Anything sweet. That is now a thing of the past.

Here are a few pics to give you an idea of just how much I love sugar! lol

From our Easter clearance splurge!

 

 More Easter goodies

And... even more. See I was NOT kidding! lol and all of this was bought in one trip to the store!

 My guilty pleasure has always been gummy candy! Anthony always used to buy me gummy worms and gummy bears when I came over to his house :] these were also a favorite of mine.

And last but not least... my other guilty pleasure: CHEESE! I love cheese, can not get enough of it, I used to eat it in chunks literally like 5 oz in a sitting. Can you believe 1 oz has over 100 calories in it! Yikes! I am limiting my cheese to 2 TBS a day now.

I will definitely not be buying anything sweet for a long while. So with that behind me... here is how my new diet is going.

Everyday for lunch I am eating a salad that contains: 1.5 cups of iceberg lettuce, 1 TBS of chopped green bell pepper, 1 TBS of chopped red onion, 1/4 a medium tomato, 1 TBS of shredded cheddar cheese, either 1/2 a boiled egg or 1 piece of fat free turkey lunch meat, and one salad pepper. Topped with 2 TBS of fat free or light dressing. I currently have fat free ranch, french, and Italian as well as light Cesar to chose from so I don't get bored. Along with that I eat about 1/3 a cup of vanilla yogurt and have ice water for a drink.

My thoughts: At first my main concern was that the serving suggestion of 2 TBS of dressing would not be enough to dress my salad. After all the salad is what I would call a medium size. I was wrong. It was actually the perfect amount! Score! I am so glad that worked out. As for the flavor, the fat free dressings are not to bad, they are not fantastic but they are pretty good and definitely tolerable. I did not however like the salad peppers I bought, I think this may be because the brand though, next time I will try another kind. So the big question... did it fill me up? Yes it did but I won't lie... I was hungry again by 2 PM and I don't eat dinner until around 4:30 - 6:30 PM so that will take some getting used to. But all in all it was okay and I am pretty sure if I don't get lazy, or too broke to afford this, I will be able to stick with it!

For dinner I will be having the same salad with a different dressing along with a carb from Anthony's dinner. Monday night he had hot dogs so I had one hot dog and one bun with no toppings. And I had 6 oz of apple juice for a drink. I think I may have gone over my calories with the hot dog because it was about 220 alone and really I think I needed it to be more like 150 but I think that is okay because I am still cutting WAY back in the calories even if I went over my goal a little bit. I finished the salad and the hot dog and drank about 4 oz of the juice and was over that.

My thoughts: It made me full but not full full. Before, I would eat until I was full and felt good. This meal did not get me there. It did however make me full to the point where I was no longer hungry. So I think I have something good going here. I think before I was more than likely over eating causing me to gain weight and/or just not lose weight. Had I not been on a diet I would have definitely eaten more food than I did last night and I would have snacked while I cooked to take the edge off my hunger, I would have had a cookie or two or some candy or beef jerky or ever bits and pieces here and there of what I was cooking. That is now a thing of the past, I know I have to practice self control now when it comes to these things and it is going to be hard but I believe I can do it.

Another random thought: I did wake up this morning hungry. I think I may try and integrate breakfast into my diet somehow as well. I know breakfast is good for you and if I can get it to where the calories are right I would definitely not mind having some breakfast at around 6:30 AM every morning. I will have to look at the calorie counter and try and figure out what I can do for that.

I have not weighed myself since I went to the doctors on Friday so I am unsure of any progress, but I am assuming there is none because it has only been 3 days so far on this diet.

What I have learned from living with Anthony

When Anthony first moved in with me I did not really know what to expect. I did not know how everyday life would go or how we would get along. What we would eat or what we would do when we were bored. These past three months have been a huge learning experience for the both of us. I continue to learn more and more about him everyday and I continue to fall more and more in love as well. Here is what I have learned and noticed so far:

• Anthony does NOT like to wake up in the AM. He does a lot better when he stays up all night than he does when I have to wake him in the mornings to drive me to work. It is a struggle just about everyday to get him out of bed. I have found that coaxing him with food (sounds funny I know) does the job pretty well. So now I tend to make him breakfast in the mornings when I can.
• Anthony goes through stages. Sometimes he will be in a bored stage at which point he will spend more time with Bear and I and be more clingy. Other times he will be in a gamer stage when he will spend hour after hour and stay up day and night on a game. He does also have a grumpy stage where he will grumble around the house and not play back with me when I am cute with him. He tends to come out of his grumpy stage pretty quickly though.
• Anthony can go days with out sleep. I am not sure why he does this but sometimes he will just stay up for about 2 days with little (meaning like 1-2 hours) to no sleep at all. He will eventually crash and go back to a normal cycle.
• Anthony has food cravings. Not very many men have these. Or at least men that I have known. Some of his cravings include jelly doughnuts, wings, and grilled burgers.
• Anthony does not get aggravated much at all. Much like myself he has a very long fuse. We do get aggravated by many of the same things like the dog being bad or Bear screaming for no reason.
• Anthony WILL help me if I ask for his help. He is not one to just jump up and start helping but if I ask him to help me he will normally drop everything and come to help.
• Anthony LOVES his baby boy! He has a great bond with Bear and it is growing day in a day out and it just warms my heart to see them together.
• Anthony also really loves me. I used to be very insecure but now he has shown me the great amount of love he has for me and our family. I know that we are the most important thing in his life.
• Anthony is lazy. I love this man to death but he is LAZY! He always tries to do things the easy or quick way and never wants to do the unnecessary. And with 99% of everything he would rather do it later even if he could do it now.
• Anthony can eat 2-3 times as much as I do. He does not eat lunch unless I make him lunch or leave him leftovers in a container and tell him to eat them, so typically dinner is his only mean unless I made him breakfast that morning. So the fact that he eats over two times as much as I do at dinner is not all that surprising, but the amount he can inhale really surprises me some days.
• Anthony loves to cuddle. A lot of couples grow out of cuddling. We are not that couple. If I am laying on the couch a lot of times he will come up and cuddle me for no reason. I absolutely love it. We will also give up space just so we can cuddle, like in the bed. Instead of putting bear in the middle and getting a good amount of space, we put him on the right side so we can cuddle, even though we end up super cramped because Bear takes up 70% of the bed with all his pillows.
• Anthony gets hot really easily or maybe I get cold really easily lol. We do not typically touch the A/C it tends to stay at 78 degrees. But we do have fans that we flip on and off. He always wants it on when I want it off because he will be sweating with I am literally freezing.
• And stuff I have learned about budgeting. Living with another person or two is WAY more expensive than living alone. It is not even double but triple the cost because together you want more. You want more for each other, when alone you tend to deprive yourself of stuff and say you don't need it or can live without it. When in reality you can but when you are with another person you want it if not for yourself but for them. Like paper towels for instance. I never used to buy them when I lived alone and when Anthony moved in, well now I can't live with out them!
• Stuff I have learned about food consumption: Food goes WAY faster with 2 than it does with one. I used to cook every other day. I would have enough food for the night I cooked, the next day for lunch, and dinner the next day. Now I cook EVERYDAY! I almost never have leftovers for lunch too. We can go though a loaf of bread in 4 days compared to the 2 weeks it took me alone. And we can go through a tub of butter in 2 weeks compared to the 2 months it took me alone.
• And last but definitely not least! Eating habits. I have noticed that our eating habits have grown together as well. I used to be ok with just eating a frozen pizza for dinner or on some nights even a few snacks like some cheese cubes and fruit. Now a days I have to cook because I can not leave Anthony with no food and he will not cook for himself unless I tell him what to make and step by step tell him how to make it. He also likes many things that I never ate before like fried foods. He likes to fry his fries, egg rolls, and other things that I would usually put in the oven. He likes to dress up his sandwiches when I could settle for a plain one. He won't eat baked beans or anything with seeds in it (like smoothies or jams). He won't eat anything with a gritty texture like grits or oatmeal or even couscous. He likes his rice to be short grain not long and his meat to be cooked well done. He does not like Dijon mustard or too much onions. He will not eat sweet salads or just a salad alone they need to be a side dish. He prefers red meat over white and laughs at the thought of a meal that has no meat. He hates sugar cookies and is really picky about icing and cake too. He likes stuff to be spicy and full of flavor. Stuff with weak flavor is never a hit. He typically does not like anything that is southern cooking, like chicken and dumplings, grits casserole, or even sweet potato casserole. He does how ever like chicken pot pie. He will eat mostly anything I put on his plate even if he does not like it, but I still try very hard not to serve things that he does not like. Oh boy I could go on and on about this mans eating habits! But I think I will end it here with some pictures. Because after all pictures are worth a thousand words.

This is a meal that we made together. Note the fried fries and egg rolls and hey even a fried egg! And a coke on the side lol. Not so healthy if you ask me.

 Another meal we made together, chili baked potatoes, salad, and fried empenadas.

And the breakfast he made me one morning. Half an egg burrito and a bagel with cream cheese and raspberry jam. (so sweet :]) 

 

Here's to many more to come! I love you so much.

Silent Sunday: 70's Dad

This is a pic of my dad that a friend of his found recently. He was 22 here. Crazy lol. Note how "Ohio" was spelled too, HA.

Dieting Update #1

I have not yet started my diet I plan to do this on Monday. I did go shopping last night and picked up all the stuff I needed for my adjusted meals.

I realized that I have a different outlook now... I see stuff in the store or look at the stuff that people are eating and think to myself "Oh God! That would make me as big as a house!" where as before I would look at these things and want them. Now I really am not interested in eating anything that would potentially cause me to gain weight or to interfere with me losing weight. I am really glad for this because I know self discipline can be one of the hardest parts of dieting.

I told Anthony that I was planing on going on a diet... he was not to happy about it and said he was not going to let me do it. I am not so sure why he is so stuck up on me not losing weight but I really hope he comes to realize and respect that this is something that is very important to me. I want to go back to the way I have always looked. I feel like I am not myself and I want to fix it. I really hope he can accept that and let me do what I need to do.

I went to the doctor yesterday and they weighed me and told me I am 125 lbs. I am not sure if the scale in Publix was off or if I lost 3 lbs in 1 week? I had not done any dieting last week at all so I am thinking the scale in Publix is off because I know the doctor's scale is right. Never the less I am now 125 so only 14 lbs to go. That can't be that hard.... I hope.

 

15 Weeks Old!

Bear is now 15 weeks old!

Developments: He is now cooing and talking all by himself. He will coo and talk in his bassinet and carseat even if no one is talking to him or playing with him. He loves to play and bounce around. He is starting to grab toys that are in his lap and put them in his mouth. His hands are also now ALWAYS in his mouth! I think he may be teething because he always wants to have his hands in his mouth. This is making him spit up more often and drool all the time as well. So we are having to put bibs on him more often now. He is also getting better and better at holding his head up. He wants to sit up more too so we recently got him a Bumbo seat but still don't have it. Can't wait til we do though, I bet he will love it!

Growth: We have not been to the doctors so we are not sure of his weight right now but I can tell just by picking him up that he is getting heavier  Soon he won't be able to use his swing anymore because he is getting so heavy that it is starting to move very very slow on the highest setting #6. He is still in size 2 diaper and size 0-3 months clothes.

Features: I still think he looks like his daddy but I am getting people saying that he looks like me now... so who knows. You be the judge :]

Eating: We are still feeding him 5 oz every 2-3 hours. I know a lot of people start solids at this age but we would like to postpone it as long as possible  I think we will be able to do so until he is about 6 months old because that is when WIC starts cutting your formula and giving you solids. I really wish we could afford to keep him on all formula until he is 9 months old, but at $16 a can I don't think that is going to happen :[

Health: His health is great! His diarrhea went away and everything looks perfect. His rash is lingering but it is going away too.

Sleeping: He has taken a step backward in the sleeping area. He was sleeping from 7:30 pm to 4 am. Now he still goes to bed at 7:30 but he is back to waking up at 1-1:30 am as well as at 4 am. He still is waking at 6:30 am and then at 8:30 am to stay up for the day. I am not sure why he has gone back to waking up in the night. I hope he can go back to sleeping through the night (for the most part). We will just have to wait and see how it goes.

How we are adjusting: We are all doing great here! We are starting to try and do more family activities like playing together as a family and watching movies together, all though when we tried to watch a family movie Bear fell asleep lol. Never the less we are trying to become a closer family and loving everyday as it comes.

Babies Named After Animals

Anthony and I were talking the other day and an odd conversation came up... it went a little something like this:

Me: I like the name Taz or Gio if we have another baby and it's boy
Anthony: Taz is cool, but not Gio. You know... all of our other kids are going to have to have unusual names now or else it will be weird. (Because our son's name is Bear)
Me: Yea you are probably right.
Anthony: We should name them all after animals.
Me: ... that would be neat.

 I had a few names in mind that I was storing away that I REALLY like for when we do have more kids, some of them are Taz, Gio, Ace, Archer, Lionel, and Rocky. I guess the only ones that would really apply to the whole animal thing would be Taz and Lionel.

I got to thinking about other animal names. I didn't think extensively or do any looking up or anything just a few light thoughts and I also think that Rhino would be cute or even Ram. Maybe Shark, but that is pushing it because people sometimes call others a shark as an insult. I do LOVE Hawk but Anthony refuses to let me use that name because it rhymes with something that can be used in a profane way.

The problem seems to be, I can not think of any cute girl names! I do really want a girl but I would be so lost as to what to name her if I did have one. I think Swan is ok-ish, I don't love it, but I could live with it. I also like the name Layla but that's not an animal lol so I don't know that that would work.

Hmmmm, only the future will tell how this will go.... I feel so silly thinking about names of children that will likely not even be born until 2 or more years from now lol.

Dieting

Dieting... SIGH.

I didn't want it to have to come down to this but I am afraid I am going to need to start dieting. I have noticed that my weight is going up instead of down and after a bit of research I would like to say I have an idea why that is happening.

After I had Seth I did  not diet afterwards, the weight just seemed to come off on it's own. This time it isn't happening. I have gained 7 lbs since I had Bear! When I left the hospital I was (I think) around 121. I am now 128 and this is upsetting me quite a bit. I know I am not fat but I am not at the weight that I would like to be. Ideally I would like to be 111 lbs, the weight I was before I got pregnant. I would settle for 115 but anything over 115 seams over weight to me. Because I have been hovering between 99 and 114 since I was about 14 years old so for me this is my NORMAL, and anything else is fat. I want so desperately to get back to my normal so diet here I come!

.... right after I finish off all the non-diet stuff I have laying around my house. Not because I am delaying it but because I do not want any perfectly good food to go to waste. So over the next week I will be eating the chocolate cake, lemon cake cookies, and Cheetos I have sitting in the kitchen. Then I will be ready to diet!

I am not so sure I will be able to get much exercise in due to the fact that I really do not have much time for that. But maybe I will start walking to work or walking home from work and then eventually work into walking to and from work everyday. I have been having a hard time walking long distances now a days because I am out of shape. It used to be I could walk 8 miles a day no problem but now I go 2 and I feel completely fatigued beyond belief.

So, I will start with adjusting what I eat. My plan is to consume no more than the following each day.
Calories- 828, Fat - 27G, Cholesterol - 124MG, Sodium - 994MG, Carbs - 124G, Fiber - 10G, Protein - 21G and Sugar - 14G

I have been looking at calculators and I do realize that this is going to be HARD! I am not too worried about the cholesterol, sodium, fiber, or protein. I am going to try and focus on not going over the calories, sugar, fat, or carbs. I also realize the reason I am not losing weight is because I am currently exceeding these amounts everyday even though I am often skipping lunch and breakfast, I still end up going over the amounts at dinner time.

The goal is to lose 2 lbs a week over 9 weeks for a total 17 lbs loss. And be back to my 111 lbs by June 26th.

We shall see. I will let everyone know the progress that I am seeing. This will not be steady though because I do not own a scale and Anthony would never let me buy one because he knows I would worry too much when I got on it and it did not say what I would want it to say lol. But when I happen to be in Publix I can weigh myself (when Anthony isn't looking) to see my progress.

I made a ticker for when I post updates :] I will post the updated ticker every time I weigh myself. Here's to a new lifestyle! Wish me luck!

A Letter to my Stepmother

Dear Amina,
I have no clue where to begin this letter. To be honest... there is nothing on this planet that I would like to say to you. I went into writing this letter thinking about all the things I want closure on... but as I sit here and actually type this I realize that there is nothing in the world that I could say to you that would make you realize how badly you hurt me. How you stole my childhood away from me. How you made me think that I was a worthless liar. How you made me doubt my own sanity. The things you did to me... well I don't even know what to say. Maybe in a few months or years I will be ready to write this letter. But not now. For now, you are still Amina, my stepmother. Nothing more. I refuse to talk to you even though Sunday was your birthday and my father told me I should...  because talking to you for the first time in almost a year and a half would almost be like saying "ok you were right"... but you were not. You were never right. You are wrong and I am taking a stand. I forgive you but I can not let you be a part of me, or my family until you say you are sorry and acknowledge to me that you realize that all those 10 years you were wrong. I have taken 10 years of your abuse for bogus things that I. NEVER. DID. And I will NEVER confess to crimes I did not commit.

So go ahead. Any day now... my door is open. Come on by and tell me that you realize that you were wrong and I never committed those horrendous acts of violence... and then maybe I will let you into my life. Until then, I am sorry but I can not speak with you or have anything to do with you.

A Letter to my Father

Dear Anwar,
We spoke on the phone last Friday, you and I. You told me that Amina was working in the cafeteria at my job site temporarily for a few days this week and that I should go on down there during lunch time and say hello and wish her a happy birthday because her birthday was last Sunday. I told you I would think about it. I have thought about it... and I have decided that I will absolutely do no such thing!

I know you want your picture perfect little family with your wife and three daughters and their husbands and kids and what not, but I am sorry to say that is not going to happen. You can have your family, but I will not be a part of anything having to do with your wife.

I know you want to be a part of Bear's life and I am not stopping you, but you're gonna have to be a part of his life at my house because I will not go to yours. Amina is not my family, she is simply your wife and my sister's mother and Bear is not her family. After she did what she did to me... she has no right to even think that I would consider her my family. I know she really wants to see Bear, but really Bear has nothing to do with her. I am sorry it has to be this way but it does.

I refuse to talk to her until she approaches me and tells me she is sorry and admits that she was wrong all those years. That for ten years she accused me of something I did not do. Everyday, over and over and over again. That for ten years she punished me for crimes I never committed. I can not talk to or be around a lady who thinks that I am capable of such acts and I absolutely refuse to do so.

Once again. I am sorry it has to be this way. It is not your fault. I am just trying to protect myself and my family.

14 Weeks Old!

A quick up date for 14 weeks because I am oh so busy!

Bear is doing great these days. He has started to actually like and tolerate tummy time. Yay! This is great because he is developing a flat spot on the left side of his head from all the laying on his back because he normally will scream if put in any other position other than sitting up.

He is holding his head up A LOT more now too! He still has some work to do but he is getting there.

He is talking a lot more these days and will talk to us like he is having a conversation (back and forth). He is now screaming too, like a cute happy high pitched scream. He also is now crying for attention and wanting to be played with actively rather than just held.

We have not heard him laugh again yet but we see him trying to laugh. It is rather funny and cute. He is making odd noises in an attempt to laugh but the laugh won't come out. I am sure he will get the hang of it soon!

He is a lot more interested in toys now. He looks at them and wants to grab them. He gets angry and cries sometimes when he can't. We put toys in his hands and help him shake them, he tries to shake them by himself but he can not quite do it.

His diarrhea is better but still has not gone away fully, we are attempting to contact the doctor about that but they keep transferring us and it keeps ending up with the machine. He now has a pretty bad rash from it that we are treating heavily with cream and hoping it will go away soon.

Currently

Currently I am:

Watching: The Walking Dead season 3 and Game of Thrones season 3. Anthony watched both of these shows before me and I spent about 3 weeks watching seasons one and two of the two of them and finally got caught up, so now we are enjoying the third seasons together :] I am just loving both of them too! We also just watched The Rise of the Guardians (we both LOVED it) and The Hobit (Anthony liked it and I fell asleep lol)
Reading: This blog. My heart and prayers goes out to that family. I could not imagine the pain they must be in.
Writing: Blog post after blog post! I have been doing a lot of blogging lately. Well compared to my recent activity anyways.
Listening: Linkin Park Pandora. Anthony and I have started listing to this station quite a bit while we make crayons. We jam around the apartment while we work. It makes for some fun quality time together.
Thinking: About finances. I just got paid today and it was the expected amount but after adding up all the monthly expenses we have $300 left over as opposed to the $30 that we calculated last month... I am quite confused and worried I am leaving some bill out, but I can not seem to find one. I have no clue how the numbers came up so differently than they did when I added them up last month.
Smelling: Axe. Yea so I wear man deodorant. We are all a little weird. I normally use Old Spice but we (Yes Anthony and I share) ran out of that and happened to have some Axe, so that is what we have been wearing lately.
Wishing: That I understood why God takes such young innocent children to be in Heaven with him.
Hoping: That our Etsy shop will launch soon and that we will be very successful and meet all of our goals in due time.
Wearing: Two jackets. I am wearing one correctly and one backwards (the back on my chest and arms through it so the hood is hanging under my chin). It isn't really even cold in here, I just like being cozy.
Loving: My baby boy. His sweet smile is melting me everyday. I can't wait to go home and spend a little play time with him before I have to cook dinner, clean the house, and get to work on Etsy.
Wanting: A bright future for my son. Right now we have no idea what the future holds. All we know is that we will be together. This is the most important thing, but I would like to know that we will be financially able to provide for Bear always and at this point we are just taking it one day at time not knowing how much money we will have and if it will be enough.
Needing: To pee. Which I will do when I am done posting this :]
Feeling: Tired! I stayed up to midnight last night making crayons and then woke at 6 AM. I am beat.
Clicking: Nothing in particular! I have been all over the place looking at stuff from blogs, to bento, to Etsy stuff, to baby stuff.

13 Weeks Old (Super Late Post)

Ok so this post is SUPER late and should have been posted on April 4th but here are some pictures of my sweet Bear from his 12th week :]

He fell asleep on me, right before we went to get some Chinese Food.

 

Sleeping in his swaddle. We can't use these anymore cuz he can now kick out of them! Instead of buying the next size up we have been swaddling him in a large blanket because he still won't sleep if he is not swaddled.

 

Drinking Pedialite.

 Tummy time! He started to tolerate tummy time this week. No more tears! Yay!

His big break through: he started holding his bottle! He did this all by himself too! We did not put it in his hands. He just grabbed onto it with both hands and knew what to do. He is still a little rusty at it as he does not know he needs to tilt the bottle in the air to get the milk out. But he does grab it on his own quite frequently.

Silent Sunday: Love of My Life

<3

Spring Break 2013 Recap (In Pictures)

Spring Break was pretty laid back for us. We went out a few times but not many. We did go to a friends birthday party for her son that was turning 3. We also bought a new mattress (Score!), no more cat pee pee bed. We were going to go to the beach but after buying the mattress we were low on funds so we decided against that. 

Here are some pics of our not so eventful spring break....

 Family naps were taken.

 Yummy dinners were made. (This is egg foo young and it was great!)

 Bear went to Dairy Queen for the first time.
 

And so did Anthony! Can't believe he is 21 and have never been until just now.

 Walks were taken. And Bear rode in his stroller in big boy mode for the first time.

And last but not least desserts were made. These are banana nut bread muffins that Anthony requested I make for him.

And there you have it! Our 2013 spring break and the first we shared together as a family. :]