Raw Feelings on the Table

Warning: This is a highly opinionated post.

I don't think I would call this post a rant, although it may seem that way. This is a post about my feelings, about how I feel inside. About what I battle with everyday. This is how I feel.

I am not a confrontational person, 99.9% of the time I keep my feelings, thoughts, and comments to myself. Why do I do this? Because I don't think that sharing the way I feel would not result in a productive conversation. So I bite my tongue. I suppress it my anger, my depression, my guilt, my pride, and sometimes even my joy. All this suppressing does built up, but I have never "blown" before. I don't know if I ever will.

I can't bare to see people mad at me, upset with me, disappointed in me, or most of all I can't stand it when people pity me! I AM A STRONG PERSON! I do not need pity nor do I want pity. I have overcome obstacles that most people can't even attempt. I believe that anything is possible and I know the value of today.

There are lots of things that anger me that I just keep quiet about. The biggest thing though, the thing that always sets me off no matter what... nosiness. Pure nosiness. This tends to come mainly in the form of Face Book but it happens in person as well. People who ask me about my son. They ask just to ask. It's like they just want the juicy details. They don't care to ask about me, or how I am doing, nope. All they want to know is "Where is Seth?" "Who has Seth?" "What happened to Seth?" and the list goes on. And if I tell them, they will just do exactly what I don't want them to do! Pity me. Tell me about how sorry they are and then once they have retrieved their precious info, they will go about their way and not talk to me for another several months.

Recently I posted a picture of Seth on FB. I do not do this often because for one I don't have that many pictures of him. And for two, it causes people to ask questions. On this particular picture it did just that. It caused two people to ask the question "Where is Seth now?" what did I do... I ignored them. The first person seemed okay with it but what did the person do... waited about a week and once she realized that I wasn't answering the question she went back to the picture and asked it again but in a different format! The second time she said "Is Seth with your parents?" This was last night. I have not said anything back to her.

This is the response I wish I could say to her:
"As you have probably noticed, I did not answer your question the first time you asked it. There was a reason for this. I am not sure why all of a sudden you are taking an interest in my son, wanting to know his whereabouts... but I can tell you this: my son has been in the same place for 10 months. Where were you for those 10 months? Why are you now coming to me like we are BFF's demanding me to report you info on my life? You don't call me, you don't text me, you don't even FB me. And don't say "Oh, I don't have your number!" because my number has been the same for two years! and not to mention it IS listed on my FB page, AND if you couldn't figure that out on your own, you could have always called my sister or dad and asked one of them, you know they would have happily given it to you. Both of their numbers have been the same for over 5 years. If you really did "miss" me like you say you do, you would have done something about it. You don't care about me, and that is clear. And if you don't care about me how could you possibly care about my son (who you have only met like once before)? Well I'm gonna let you in on a little something, I am NOT here for your entertainment! My life is not a movie or a drama show. I will not stand for people coming to me and asking questions about my son just to obtain the "juicy details", shoot me some pity and then go about their way! I do not need your pity nor do I want it! If you want to know whats been going on with my life, your going to have to get to know me and be my friend and actually make an effort to be there for me, not just some lame excuse of a friend that adds me on FB and then only says like 5 words to me every 6 months! I am sorry if I have offended you in anyway, that was not my intention at all. This is just the way I feel and I wanted to let you know, because clearly biting my tongue and ignoring you is just not satisfying enough to you."

Will I say this to her? Probably not. But I sure do want to. Chances are I will paste it in and contemplate pressing enter for about 30 minutes before I ultimately decide it's a bad idea. Does this make me a coward? To not even be able to speak my mind? I don't think it does... but then again I kinda do. I just don't want to upset anyone. I feel as though it is better to remain on good terms then to sour things up, especially when it really isn't even necessary. The only good that would come out of this would be she would know how I feel. I think the main question I have to ask myself though, is "Will it make me feel better?" and the answer to that would be "No" not at all. It would probably just make me feel bad for kinda yelling at her. At the end of the day I will still feel the same and she might feel upset of even angry with me and maybe a little guilty with herself. It is not my want to anger or upset people or to make them feel guilt. So chances are, no, I will probably not post that response to her.

I do say, typing that out for you guys to read has made me feel a lot better. I think to get it off my chest but at the same time not anger or upset anyone is just what I needed.

While we are here on this post there are two other things that upset me that I REALLY think I need to get off my chest as well.

For my roommates: "Oh boy I don't even know where to begin! First off I have to say, thank you for all the money you have given me it has really helped. Now that you are unable to pay me however, I am kinda of a lot less lenient on your uncleanliness. This weekend I came home to a sink full of dirty dishes, a house piled high with furniture that does not belong to me nor does it even remotely fit in there to begin with, and the stench of pure ammonia in the air. I bared through it, and even washed your pile of dishes which was okay, because sometimes you guys wash mine too. BUT over the next few days you guys made a lot of dishes and did not clean them up, and I even noticed the fruit flies were coming back because of this! I was forced, to clean your dishes once again. PEOPLE please give me a break! You sit on your ass ALL day long and watch Netflix (on my account in my house that you are not paying for!) I think that you have the time and the energy to wash your dishes and God forbid you change your cats litter more than once every two months! I feel like I am choking in my own house, hints why I stay in my room all the time when I am home (which is never because I hate being there due to the mess you guys have created and refused to clean up). I honestly think that it is unfair that I go to work for 10 hours a day 8 1/2 months pregnant pay for EVERYTHING but your food and yet have to come home to a pile of your dishes to clean because you were to busy watching TV all day to do them yourself! Not to mention the state of your bathroom is DEPLORABLE! I can not invite my boyfriend over and my sister down rite refuses to spend more than ten minutes in my house because if its disgusting crowded state. And while I'm on the subject of telling you how I feel, where are all my dishes going?!? everyday I come home to less dishes! I paid money for these dishes they are did not just fall out of the sky for free from the dish fairy! It is not fair for you to throw them away, give them away, ruin them with out buying me new ones, or do whatever it is that you are doing with them! And not to mention when you eat my food, I bought that food for me not for you! You have your food (that is free from foodstamps) and I have mine (that I pay for with my money that I get from the job that I go to for 10 hours a day!) you can not just eat my food because you feel like it! I honestly feel that you are stealing from me when you do this. It causes me to have to go to the store and buy more of what I had all ready bought. You have a car, you can go to the store whenever you please, I can not. This is not fair. This whole situation IS NOT FAIR!"

I think that is all I have to say about that. Will I tell my roommates how I feel? Absolutely not! Mainly because they live with me and I do not want to create ill feelings in my house. But also because they are leaving in 2.5 weeks so I don't know that it is worth the aggravation. And this whole game they are playing with beating around the bush about when they are leaving... I am not playing that game past December 17th. If they are not gone I can assure you, I will be changing the locks to my doors because this has gone on long enough. I can no longer stand to be in this situation.

Andddd for my last tid bit on how I feel. I have no one in particular that I would like to say this to. It is just for most of the people in my life in general.

If you did not know all ready, I have not publicly announced on my Face Book that I am pregnant. At first I did not want to due to the complications I was having with the pregnancy but as time went I decided I did not want to tell people at all. This goes hand in hand with the people being nosy thing. I do not want to be reporting to everyone about details of my life, to people who do not care about me. But the main reason I did not post it on my Face Book is to avoid negative judgement. I have told a lot of people in real life, around 20 or 30 and I only heard "Congratulations" maybe two or three times! Everyone looks down on me when they find out I am pregnant, everyone stares, everyone judges, and everyone thinks it is a bad thing. I really fail to see why!!! I am 21 years old in a stable relationship, we both have jobs, I have my own apartment with a room for the baby, my boyfriend has a license and a car, we are mentally sane, not on drugs, we don't drink, we are not into partying, not immature or irresponsible... we even have everything under the sun for our baby! What is the big deal?!?! why is everyone frowning at me when I tell them I am having a baby? We are happy, we want our baby and we ARE exited! Why can't people just be happy with us? I just don't get it, and I don't think I ever will. I can not go to the mail box with out people staring me down like I am a some sort of dirty slut! I am carrying a beautiful miracle inside of me that was created through the love of God and by the love my boyfriend and I have for one another. I fear that if I post my pregnancy on FB for all 187 of my "friends" to see, I will get a lot of questions, fake joy, and negative judgement behind my back.

Now a lot of you are probably thinking who cares what others think and who cares about their judgement! and I do agree with that outlook but I do not want to give them the enjoyment of gossiping about me to all their friends and talking smack about my life when they really have not the first clue about what I have been through. I think it is better to just not tell the world and to spare everyone the unnecessary feelings (whatever those feelings may be). Once my baby is born, I may decided to put pictures up and see how people react.... but to be honest I really don't think I will even do that. People are so judgmental these days.

This concludes my feelings (well as much as I care to share for today) and boy do I feel better! I am going to conclude this post with a cute picture of my sweet little half bear, Seth. Because lets face it, that was A LOT of words so we need some pictures to jazz it up after all that reading.

December 2009