Let me start off by saying this is probably my fifth attempt to start a blog. I always get really exited about creating a blog and then back down and decide not to do it. There are several reasons that I have backed down from the blogs I have created in the past, the main one is, I was scared that that no one would want to read my blog because I thought I was no good at it. I now have a new outlook on the whole blogging thing: I am making this blog for me, if people read it, cool, and if they do not... well that's okay too. I just feel that I need to have something to channel my thoughts and creativity with. A lot of people use other sites such as Facebook to post their thoughts, but personally I am not so sure I want all my personal friends to know what is going on in my life and how I feel about it. I am a very shy and reserved person and I do not tend to share the way I feel or the events of my life with more than a handful of people. With that said, lets get to the intro!
The Past:
I have had a very long and winding road to get to where I am now. Some of the stuff that I have gone through, nobody even knows about. There are things that I have experienced that are so dark that I have not told a single soul about them. In this blog I will leak little bits of my past into my posts, I will not be making a large post containing my past experiences because I feel like the past, is not nearly as important as the present. For now I will let everyone know my basic history, what made me who I am today.
My name is Rose and I was born in Orlando, Florida to two parents who were happily together at the time (from what I understand), and an older sister. My mother was American and my father Libyan. When I was around 2 years old my mother and father got a divorce. I never heard both sides of the story, only what my father told me. He has told me that my mother left me, my sister, and himself. That she wanted absolutely nothing to do with us and has not tried to contact us, have a relationship with us, or be a part of our life what so ever. It is possible that this is not true, but I don't think I will ever know until I have the chance to talk to my mother and ask her for myself. This event had a HUGE impact on my life. I am not sure what all that impact entailed but I know it was there and it was big. One thing I specifically remember about this is: after my parents had divorced and I was a small child maybe three years old, my father was a truck driver, so he would leave my sister and I with some of his friends while he went on week long trips for work. I remember I had a Ken doll from a Barbie set, and I used to clutch it in my hands and scream and cry for hours every time he left, because I was so scared he was never going to come back just like my mother, to this day I still remember that vivid fear that plagued me. And to this day, I still have not shared a single encounter or word with my mother.
When I was 6 years old my father got married to a woman from Morocco. And when I was 8 years old they had a baby together and I was officially a big sister. My younger sister and I have had a damaged relationship since she was 2 years old, due to a lot of events that took place involving false accusations and her mother. My sister's mother and I do not see eye to eye and we probably never will. I am not going to go into what all happened in this part of my childhood, but maybe someday it will come a time that I would like to open up share my full story with the world.
In 2007 when I was 15 years old I met another teen my age on a social media site. His name was Zack. Not only did I fall head over heals for Zack but I was also very desperate to escape from the abusive environment I was living in. I think the fact that I was looking for an out and looking for one as fast as possible contributed to my falling for this young man. Me and Zack were like nothing I have ever experienced before in my whole life. I have never felt the way he made me feel. We were in love. I still do believe to this day that what we had was nothing short of true love. My father did not approve of us being together, so just like Romeo and Juliet, we had to fight everyday to be together. We had to sneak around, lie, run, run, run, and finally hide. One day, we decided enough was enough and we stopped running from him, and we hid. I was placed on National Missing Persons List for over 8 months and forced to drop out of high school due to the fear of being caught. There came a day when we came out of our shell and decided we had been hiding long enough, and we told my father where I was. I remained there and he did not pursue me. We then began to live our life together.
I realized over the next year that Zack was not the person that I had thought that he was. His true colors came out. I thought he was a very gentle, kind, giving, and loving person. He turned out to be a very angry person with a very serious drug addiction and violence problem. He was later diagnosed with bipolar disorder, schizophrenia, and multiple personally disorder. As time went on our relationship crumbled and he changed more and more everyday. He became very abusive and was not at all the man I had once fell in love with. I was now living in a hell that was worst than the one I had run away from. Still even knowing that, I refused to go back to my father and his wife and I roughed it out and stayed with Zack for four whole years.
The second year that Zack and I were together when I was just 17 years old, I gave birth to our son Seth. Seth was born into the middle of a war between Zack and I. I was now, 17 years old, with a baby, no house, no high school diploma, and no support other than my abusive boyfriend. I had a very hard time bonding with Seth, in fact I do not think a bond ever occurred to this day. I think that there are many factors that went into that. Some of them being, I never had a mother figure in my life to show me what a motherly bond was, and I also had Zack throwing anger fits and being strung out of drugs all the time to deal with.
When Seth was only 3 months old, Zack's mother took him from us, declaring him her child. Stating that I was just a vessel to carry him. This event in my life is a very long and drawn out story and one day I will go into detail on that but for now we are going to leave it at that. Shortly after, Seth was taken from us Zack and I moved out of his mothers house, and into our own place, where we remained until I was 19 years old. We had a very rocky relationship that ended on March 17, 2011. At this point, with Zack out of my life I started to fight for custody of my son.
On January 31, 2012 we had our final hearing in court for the custody of my son. The verdict: I lost. The judge granted custody to Zack's mother, the woman who stole my son from me and claimed him as her own. To this day I have not seen my son or talked to anyone in that family since the day the I lost custody.
The Present:
Currently I am 21 years old and I am in a relationship with a wonderful man named Anthony. We are expecting our first child together (a boy) on January 7, 2013. I now have my own apartment, a job, a high-school diploma, some college education, and even a dog! I do not think that my life has ever been so great as it is now. Anthony and I have had our trials, but I do truly love him and have hopes of being with him everyday for the rest of my life. There is not a single thing that man could do that I would find unforgivable. When I get upset with him, I just look at him and every ounce of anger just melts away with one glance. He is the love of my life and I thank God for every moment that we are able to share together, as I know that not everything last forever even when we wish that it would.
The Future:
My hopes for the future are probably like a lot of other people's hopes. I want to have a beautiful family, with Anthony, our son, and our dog Charlie. I wish to one day have a nice house with a white picket fence and everything, and maybe even some more kids down the road. I wish to get a degree in college and either make enough money to support my family, or for Anthony to be able to make enough money to support us. While these are long term goals, for now the only thing that I am hoping for is a safe delivery of my son as well as nothing to interfere with our bonding process and for a very strong bond to be created not only between my son and I but between my son and his father as well. I have recovered a lot from what I have been through but I do believe I
still have a long way to go and a very rocky road ahead. For now I am
reaching for rainbows and hoping for the best in life, and if I do not
get it... well then I will just keep trying until I do.
About Me:
Now for a little about me. Hmmmm, what is there to say about me? Well, lets start off with some of the things I love. I love: animals particularly whales and bears, trains, spider-man, anything colorful, candy (sour is my favorite), cupcakes, the color yellow, cats, my dachshund Charlie, art, crafts, creating new things, cooking new things, trying new things, games (I am into girl/kids games while Anthony is into MAN games), hot weather, eBay.com, Etsy.com, anything novelty, decorating stuff, making fun shaped food, watching Netflix, and cuddling with Anthony and our doggie. There are several things that I am not too fond of such as drugs and bugs, but I do not feel like going into the things I dislike because it is so much more fun to talk about the good stuff! I am a very shy person and I do suffer from extreme social anxiety. While you may not be able to tell because this because this is a blog and I have no problem talking to others over the computer, I can not handle talking to new people or people I do not know face to face, it causes real problems for me. I am very much into children's stuff, like games, museums, toys, and books. I think this may be because I missed out on just about everything fun as a child. I am a true kid at heart. I can count the amount of people that I trust on one hand. I used to love texting and now I hate it. I am very into photography and I am going to soon start to pursue that as a hobby and see where it goes. I will be posting my pictures of coarse. Sometimes I get into very sad moods where I am completely depressed for absolutely no reason at all and there are few things that can bring me out of these moods, but I do always bounce back to my regular self, which is very upbeat and happy (all though you wouldn't know it unless you were Anthony or my older sister as I do not express my true personality to anyone else due to my anxiety). I do not have any friends, I have MANY acquaintances and people that would call me their friends, but I can not say that I have any true friends that are always there for me or that even call me. This upsets me at times, but at other times I am thankful for this as it helps to eliminate the drama that lots of people my age tend to have. I do hope to one day go on and create "family friends" with other families, that sounds really fun. If you have any questions about me or anything else for that matter please feel free to email me at anytime. :]
That sums up my intro. I hope you all enjoy reading my blog, I'm definitely glad you're here!
