Just when I accepted the fact that you wanted nothing to do with me and made peace with letting you go... you decide to go and call me up out of the blue. Here I am at work just doing my work... and you call me. Telling me you just wanted to say hello. This is so ironic as I just posted a letter to you talking about how I was hurt that you never call me to see how I am doing. I almost feel like you are reading my blog, or as if someone who is reading my blog told you about what I had said. Maybe it was just God's way of telling me that you are my father and I can not just simply forget about you.
We talked on the phone and it was kinda awkward to be honest. You asked about how Bear was and if we are having fun with him, and you asked about his insurance and my insurance too. You then said you wanted me to send you pictures of Bear. I thought this was sort of odd. If you want to see my baby, why not just come over and see him? No need for pictures when you live literally right down the street. Never the less, I sent you the pictures. You did not reply to my email though with any comments, which sorta made me upset.
You also mentioned that my sister was coming to your house that weekend to eat dinner with the family and with my uncle too, you were having a big gathering but you then FAILED to invite me. Why would you tell me about how the whole family is coming over to eat dinner at your house, and then NOT invite me? This really felt like a slap in the face. I feel like you are treating me like an outcast. Like a black sheep. Like I am tainted and not good enough to even come over to your house and eat dinner with the family.
After talking to you I had mixed emotions. I was glad you called me and realized that no matter how bad I want to, I can not simply cut you out of my life. It is not how things work. But, I did find myself wishing that you had never called me. Your phone call caused me more pain than it did happiness. I do however, appreciate the thought, and would like to say thank you for at least trying to be my father, even if you had it was in a sorta twisted way.
A few days later I called you to ask you for your email. This was when I was sending the pics to you. You answered and were at my younger sister's softball game. There was lots of cheering and yelling in the background. I do appreciate that you still answered the phone. This made me feel like you cared on some level. We went on to talk about how it was cold out and late too. It was about 8 PM, I stated that this was sorta late for a softball game. You said that you would have invited me but you knew I would not be able to go because it was too cold for Bear. That was fine with me, I would not have went anyways because you are right it was too cold for Bear. I then told you that Bear normally goes to bed around 8 and we can not go out after 7 because he will raise hell if he is not home when he gets tired and wants to go to bed. You then said "That's good! it will keep you in line!" This upset me a ton! Keep me in line? What do you think I am some sort of party girl? I don't even go out with friends! Hell, I don't even have friends! I go to work, go home, cook, spend time with my family, and then go to bed! What makes you think I need to be "kept in line?" Really you do not know anything about me if that is the way you think I am!
I also asked you when you were going to come over and see Bear, you said you were thinking about it but had to fit it into your schedule and that "there a was time for everything" REALLY??!!?? you have to FIT IT IN YOUR SCHEDULE?! to see your family?! Ridiculous! Not to mention (again) that I live right down the freaking street! You really blow my mind with the way you think. I wish I had the guts to tell you how I really feel. I feel like a coward typing all this on the computer for you to never see instead of saying it to your face. I just feel like it is not right to yell at your parents so I can not bring myself to do it. And it is of coarse a lot easier to just let things go than to get into it over them.
A few days later you called again at work to tell me that my old number had now been given to someone else who happened to have the same name as me. Kinda odd but it was good to finally have a conversation where you did not offend me for once.
Oh boy, I just don't know what I am going to do with you. I guess I will just sit back and see how things go for now and hope you change your attitude toward me, and let go whatever it is that has you all sour towards me, or at least tell me what it is so I can clarify things or fix them. I highly doubt that will happen but we will see.
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