Raw Feelings on the Table

Warning: This is a highly opinionated post.

I don't think I would call this post a rant, although it may seem that way. This is a post about my feelings, about how I feel inside. About what I battle with everyday. This is how I feel.

I am not a confrontational person, 99.9% of the time I keep my feelings, thoughts, and comments to myself. Why do I do this? Because I don't think that sharing the way I feel would not result in a productive conversation. So I bite my tongue. I suppress it my anger, my depression, my guilt, my pride, and sometimes even my joy. All this suppressing does built up, but I have never "blown" before. I don't know if I ever will.

I can't bare to see people mad at me, upset with me, disappointed in me, or most of all I can't stand it when people pity me! I AM A STRONG PERSON! I do not need pity nor do I want pity. I have overcome obstacles that most people can't even attempt. I believe that anything is possible and I know the value of today.

There are lots of things that anger me that I just keep quiet about. The biggest thing though, the thing that always sets me off no matter what... nosiness. Pure nosiness. This tends to come mainly in the form of Face Book but it happens in person as well. People who ask me about my son. They ask just to ask. It's like they just want the juicy details. They don't care to ask about me, or how I am doing, nope. All they want to know is "Where is Seth?" "Who has Seth?" "What happened to Seth?" and the list goes on. And if I tell them, they will just do exactly what I don't want them to do! Pity me. Tell me about how sorry they are and then once they have retrieved their precious info, they will go about their way and not talk to me for another several months.

Recently I posted a picture of Seth on FB. I do not do this often because for one I don't have that many pictures of him. And for two, it causes people to ask questions. On this particular picture it did just that. It caused two people to ask the question "Where is Seth now?" what did I do... I ignored them. The first person seemed okay with it but what did the person do... waited about a week and once she realized that I wasn't answering the question she went back to the picture and asked it again but in a different format! The second time she said "Is Seth with your parents?" This was last night. I have not said anything back to her.

This is the response I wish I could say to her:
"As you have probably noticed, I did not answer your question the first time you asked it. There was a reason for this. I am not sure why all of a sudden you are taking an interest in my son, wanting to know his whereabouts... but I can tell you this: my son has been in the same place for 10 months. Where were you for those 10 months? Why are you now coming to me like we are BFF's demanding me to report you info on my life? You don't call me, you don't text me, you don't even FB me. And don't say "Oh, I don't have your number!" because my number has been the same for two years! and not to mention it IS listed on my FB page, AND if you couldn't figure that out on your own, you could have always called my sister or dad and asked one of them, you know they would have happily given it to you. Both of their numbers have been the same for over 5 years. If you really did "miss" me like you say you do, you would have done something about it. You don't care about me, and that is clear. And if you don't care about me how could you possibly care about my son (who you have only met like once before)? Well I'm gonna let you in on a little something, I am NOT here for your entertainment! My life is not a movie or a drama show. I will not stand for people coming to me and asking questions about my son just to obtain the "juicy details", shoot me some pity and then go about their way! I do not need your pity nor do I want it! If you want to know whats been going on with my life, your going to have to get to know me and be my friend and actually make an effort to be there for me, not just some lame excuse of a friend that adds me on FB and then only says like 5 words to me every 6 months! I am sorry if I have offended you in anyway, that was not my intention at all. This is just the way I feel and I wanted to let you know, because clearly biting my tongue and ignoring you is just not satisfying enough to you."

Will I say this to her? Probably not. But I sure do want to. Chances are I will paste it in and contemplate pressing enter for about 30 minutes before I ultimately decide it's a bad idea. Does this make me a coward? To not even be able to speak my mind? I don't think it does... but then again I kinda do. I just don't want to upset anyone. I feel as though it is better to remain on good terms then to sour things up, especially when it really isn't even necessary. The only good that would come out of this would be she would know how I feel. I think the main question I have to ask myself though, is "Will it make me feel better?" and the answer to that would be "No" not at all. It would probably just make me feel bad for kinda yelling at her. At the end of the day I will still feel the same and she might feel upset of even angry with me and maybe a little guilty with herself. It is not my want to anger or upset people or to make them feel guilt. So chances are, no, I will probably not post that response to her.

I do say, typing that out for you guys to read has made me feel a lot better. I think to get it off my chest but at the same time not anger or upset anyone is just what I needed.

While we are here on this post there are two other things that upset me that I REALLY think I need to get off my chest as well.

For my roommates: "Oh boy I don't even know where to begin! First off I have to say, thank you for all the money you have given me it has really helped. Now that you are unable to pay me however, I am kinda of a lot less lenient on your uncleanliness. This weekend I came home to a sink full of dirty dishes, a house piled high with furniture that does not belong to me nor does it even remotely fit in there to begin with, and the stench of pure ammonia in the air. I bared through it, and even washed your pile of dishes which was okay, because sometimes you guys wash mine too. BUT over the next few days you guys made a lot of dishes and did not clean them up, and I even noticed the fruit flies were coming back because of this! I was forced, to clean your dishes once again. PEOPLE please give me a break! You sit on your ass ALL day long and watch Netflix (on my account in my house that you are not paying for!) I think that you have the time and the energy to wash your dishes and God forbid you change your cats litter more than once every two months! I feel like I am choking in my own house, hints why I stay in my room all the time when I am home (which is never because I hate being there due to the mess you guys have created and refused to clean up). I honestly think that it is unfair that I go to work for 10 hours a day 8 1/2 months pregnant pay for EVERYTHING but your food and yet have to come home to a pile of your dishes to clean because you were to busy watching TV all day to do them yourself! Not to mention the state of your bathroom is DEPLORABLE! I can not invite my boyfriend over and my sister down rite refuses to spend more than ten minutes in my house because if its disgusting crowded state. And while I'm on the subject of telling you how I feel, where are all my dishes going?!? everyday I come home to less dishes! I paid money for these dishes they are did not just fall out of the sky for free from the dish fairy! It is not fair for you to throw them away, give them away, ruin them with out buying me new ones, or do whatever it is that you are doing with them! And not to mention when you eat my food, I bought that food for me not for you! You have your food (that is free from foodstamps) and I have mine (that I pay for with my money that I get from the job that I go to for 10 hours a day!) you can not just eat my food because you feel like it! I honestly feel that you are stealing from me when you do this. It causes me to have to go to the store and buy more of what I had all ready bought. You have a car, you can go to the store whenever you please, I can not. This is not fair. This whole situation IS NOT FAIR!"

I think that is all I have to say about that. Will I tell my roommates how I feel? Absolutely not! Mainly because they live with me and I do not want to create ill feelings in my house. But also because they are leaving in 2.5 weeks so I don't know that it is worth the aggravation. And this whole game they are playing with beating around the bush about when they are leaving... I am not playing that game past December 17th. If they are not gone I can assure you, I will be changing the locks to my doors because this has gone on long enough. I can no longer stand to be in this situation.

Andddd for my last tid bit on how I feel. I have no one in particular that I would like to say this to. It is just for most of the people in my life in general.

If you did not know all ready, I have not publicly announced on my Face Book that I am pregnant. At first I did not want to due to the complications I was having with the pregnancy but as time went I decided I did not want to tell people at all. This goes hand in hand with the people being nosy thing. I do not want to be reporting to everyone about details of my life, to people who do not care about me. But the main reason I did not post it on my Face Book is to avoid negative judgement. I have told a lot of people in real life, around 20 or 30 and I only heard "Congratulations" maybe two or three times! Everyone looks down on me when they find out I am pregnant, everyone stares, everyone judges, and everyone thinks it is a bad thing. I really fail to see why!!! I am 21 years old in a stable relationship, we both have jobs, I have my own apartment with a room for the baby, my boyfriend has a license and a car, we are mentally sane, not on drugs, we don't drink, we are not into partying, not immature or irresponsible... we even have everything under the sun for our baby! What is the big deal?!?! why is everyone frowning at me when I tell them I am having a baby? We are happy, we want our baby and we ARE exited! Why can't people just be happy with us? I just don't get it, and I don't think I ever will. I can not go to the mail box with out people staring me down like I am a some sort of dirty slut! I am carrying a beautiful miracle inside of me that was created through the love of God and by the love my boyfriend and I have for one another. I fear that if I post my pregnancy on FB for all 187 of my "friends" to see, I will get a lot of questions, fake joy, and negative judgement behind my back.

Now a lot of you are probably thinking who cares what others think and who cares about their judgement! and I do agree with that outlook but I do not want to give them the enjoyment of gossiping about me to all their friends and talking smack about my life when they really have not the first clue about what I have been through. I think it is better to just not tell the world and to spare everyone the unnecessary feelings (whatever those feelings may be). Once my baby is born, I may decided to put pictures up and see how people react.... but to be honest I really don't think I will even do that. People are so judgmental these days.

This concludes my feelings (well as much as I care to share for today) and boy do I feel better! I am going to conclude this post with a cute picture of my sweet little half bear, Seth. Because lets face it, that was A LOT of words so we need some pictures to jazz it up after all that reading.

December 2009

Hello Clean House!

I recently got the news that my very mess roommates will be moving out very soon! At first I was slightly annoyed as they were supposed to stay until December and now they are leaving in November. After I got over the fact that I will be even more broke than I thought I was going to be for the next few months... I looked on the bright side and realized that I can finally have my clean house back! Then I proceeded to do a little dance of excitement :]

A lot of you may wonder, why exactly I choose not to clean up after them. The reason is this: I have tried it before, and it seems like whenever I do clean the house, it ends up a disgusting mess again not but 2-3 days later. So, I gave up. I decided that if they are going to make a mess, they are going to deal with it or clean it up themselves. This really does suck for me having to live in this disgusting house but I cant be cleaning up after grown adults every other day.

They told me they were supposed to get the keys to their new place yesterday (Wed. 11-7). I have not heard anything from them but I have my fingers crossed that everything went well and I am hoping by the time I return from Kissimmee on Sunday they will be mostly if not completely moved out.

Now for a nice list of the things I look forward to once they are gone.

1. My house not smelling like a combination of old grease, litter-box, and cigarette smoke. When I walk into my bedroom its like a breath of fresh air and when I emerge from it I feel like I am choking from all the foul smells. I can't remember the last time I spent more than 10 minutes not in my bedroom (aside from when I was cooking).

2. Having a kitchen I actually ENJOY cooking in. As of now, I feel really gross every time I enter my kitchen, the dishes are piled up, the stove is covered in gunk, the floor is almost black, and the counters.... well forget about putting anything you plan to consume on them! Not to mention the roaches, and fruit flies!

3. Having the refrigerator and pantry all to myself. OK, I will admit this one does sound kind of selfish but, it is very difficult to share a fridge or pantry with two other people and not run out of room causing you to have to limit what you buy. This is a problem for me because I can not drive so I can not go to the store every other day like normal people do. So stocking up is necessary.

4. Opening my fridge or pantry to find something that I bought is no longer there because my roommates decided that they were going to eat it for me. This is VERY frustrating! I feel like they are honestly stealing from me when they do this. I never take their food so why do they feel it is OK to take mine? This is especially frustrating now a days as it is getting close to January (my due date) and I am having to save up every penny I can spare for the 6 weeks up unpaid leave I will be taking after the birth of my son. One time they decided to eat a tube of my Pringles... and to my surprise they actually went to the store and bought me another tube and put it on my shelf where the one they stole was once at. This kind of made me feel better (a little) but then to my dismay, a few days latter I found that they decided to gobble up the tube they bought for me themselves. SIGH. And, I cant forget about their other nasty habit, they also like to go to the store and buy the cheapo brands of the same thing I have bought, and use my version of the more expensive brand, leaving me the cheap brand they went and bought. Now that is just mean IMO!

5. Being able to walk on the kitchen floor without my socks turning black. Oh how I CAN NOT WAIT to scrub those kitchen floors!

6. Not having my stuff moved around without my permission. This one doesn't really bother mean nearly as much as the others but it can be quite irritating to come home and find that stuff is not where I left it. One time they decided to put my pots and pans ON MY BED! Like really?! people come on, do you expect me to cook in my bedroom?

7. Not having an insanely high electric bill. They do pay for half the electric but it is annoying that they tend to want to keep the air on 74-75 degrees. When I lived alone I kept it on 78-80 and my bill was $50 to $90 now its in the 130s. YIKES.

8. Getting rid of those pesky little flea bag kittens! Don't get me wrong, they are cute. But they are extremely destructive. Between the fleas and the litter-box, that's enough for me to want them out. But they also like to walk under my feet when I'm cooking or walking in general (not good when you're 8 months pregnant). My roommates only tend to change their litter 1-2 times a month as well, which makes for a super stinky house. And you can forget about eating anywhere other than your bedroom where the door can be shut, because they will jump all over you and try to eat your food! And when you don't have food, say you're just sitting in the living room, they will jump all over you for the help of jumping all over you, which hurts.... A LOT!  because they have not yet learned how to retract their claws.

9. Having two bathrooms again. I have to keep reminding myself that I cant use the other bathroom (nor would I want to use that nasty bathroom). I will admit you can only use one bathroom at a time, but having two comes in handy, especially when you are hanging out in the living room and don't want to go all the way to the bed room and use the master bathroom.

10. Not being able to nest properly and work on my baby's nursery. Since they are occupying the room that will be my sons nursery, I have been having to wait to set it up. I am so thrilled and exited to finally get to hang all of his cute little clothes in his closet! :] all though he currently has no furniture to put in there and all his gear is in Kissimmee.

11. Waiting for my roommates to leave to emerge from my room to cook or get a drink. I do not particularly enjoy being around them so I try to avoid them at all costs this sometimes means drinking sink water from my bathroom. :O (I know that's pathetic but sometimes I am just not in the mood to see or deal with anyone).

12. And last but not least, being able to sit in my living room and use my Xbox, Wii, or TV. At first I could still kind of do this, if I got over the kittens jumping all over me and the fact that it smelled so awful out there. Now, it is imposable because they decided to fill my living room full will furniture they plan to fill their new house with. This furniture is not neatly placed but rather just a ton of pieced shoved into a MUCH to small space creating a Tetris effect. Everything is blocked off, there is a bed over my couch and a bookcase in front of my entertainment center, so there goes any and all hope of not being locked in my room whenever I am actually home (which is basically never thank God).


And the things that I WILL miss......

Hmmmm......

1. The extra $500 a month
2. Not being scared at every sound in the night
3........ There is no 3.

Here are a few pictures of the mess I have been living with for several months.

This is the stove! Yes indeed it was white once upon a time! I am over the moon about being able to clean my stove and knowing that it wont return to looking like this 2 days later.

This is the kitchen floor. Yes those are dead roaches.

And I can't forget about this beauty. This is a wonderful stain on my carpet that showed up one day out of nowhere. I still have no idea how I am going to get it out.

I know this post seems like it has a lot of whining, which it pretty much does, but lets face it. Life isn't all sunshine and butterflies this blog is about the ups and downs of my life I feel that if I only post about the good stuff that I would be lying and making my life out to seem perfect when in fact it is really not that way at all. I am incredibly thankful that they are leaving and I will be sure to let everyone know how that goes. I also have more pictures of the messiness to post later on for before and after shots :}

Fruit Fly Attack

Every Thursday I travel to see Anthony in Kissimmee. Kissimmee is approximately 45 minutes away by train from the town I live in. I am unable to drive currently because I never got the chance to get my license. I think a lot of this was honestly due to pure laziness (Boo me)!

Here is the process I take to get to Kissimmee every Thursday:

3:15 PM - Get off of work and walk 2 miles to the bus stop
3:45 PM - Arive at bus stop and wait 45 minutes for the bus to arrive
4:30 PM - Get on the bus and ride to Lakeland for 30 minutes
5:00 PM - Walk one block to the train station and wait for the train, (this can be anywhere between 55 minutes to 3 hours)
5:55 PM - Get on train and ride 45 minutes
6:40 PM - Arrive at Kissimmee train station and wait for Anthony for about 10 minutes
6:50 PM - Get in car with Anthony and drive to his house about 20 minutes away
7:10 PM - Finally reach destionation of Anthony's house

I stay in Kissimmee until Sunday when I go back to Bartow to start a new work week. Every Thursday, its lather, rinse, repeat, and I wouldn't have it any other way.... Well I would much rather we live together, but in the mean time this is just fine :]

This past weekend when I was in Kissimmee, my not so terrific room mates decided it was a fabulous idea to leave rotting food in the sink and trash for several days! I am not really sure how many days the food was left there but it looked to me as though they put it there Thursday and did not touch it until Monday. On Sunday night when I came home, I had all ready eaten so I went straight to my room and did not bother much with the kitchen. I did notice a few fruit flies in my bed room. It started with one, then two, then three. I kept killing them but I never could seem to kill them all, I am starting to think there maybe about 20 in there.

The next day (Monday), when I came home from work, the trash had been taken out but the dishes not done. And in the kitchen...... A SWARM OF FRUIT FLIES!

There were what I originally thought was about 50, then I realized it was more like 200. I swear I am not an uncleanly person, I just refuse to clean up after grown adults, and my two room mates tend to make huge messes and not clean up after themselves, thus my currently dirty house.

My good camera was out of batteries so I was forced to use my crappy cell phone to take these pics., making it hard to capture just how many flies there were due to the lack of a macro setting.

Look closely at the pot and you will see four flies in just that one corner, there were actually a lot more but I could not get a picture with them all. (Yes my roommates tend to burn stuff all the time).

Andddd they even made it into the refrigerator! Where they died :]

 

Not knowing what to do, I consulted my good friend Bing.com (yes I'm a Bing person, even though I use Google for Email). I found a few sites with information on fruit flies. They all first and foremost sugested that you clean your house and get rid of all open food scorces to elimenate the breeding that may still be taking place. Unfortuanly, I could not do this as if I did my roommates would just add more food scorces in a matter of hours. So I went on to plan B: make traps. There were a few differant types of traps that were listed, I tried two.

Trap #1: The Vinegar Trap
This trap was made by pouring 1/4 cup of vingar into a cup and adding a little fruit scented dish soap, then filling the cup with water, creatinf bubbles. You then are supposed to place the trap on the counter and..... wait. The flies are atracted to the vinegar and the fruit smell and they will go into the cup but will then drown becasuse the soap will not allow them to fly back out. A few minutes after setting this trap out I all ready saw some flies get caught in it. Unfortunatly a few hours after I went to bed, my room mates dumped it out, so I am not sure just how many flies it caught, and I was unable to get a picture as well.

Trap #2: The Orange Trap
The trap was made by pouring a little bit or orange juice into a cup and then covering the cup with a sandwich baggie that had the corner cut off. The flies, attracted to the fruit smell should fly into the trap but not be able to fly back out. My room mates didn't seem to mess with this one, nor did the flies. Two days have gone by and it it has successfully caught nothing.

The Orange Trap. I squeezed an orange in there because I didn't have any orange juice on hand.

The major problem with having a fruit fly infestation in your house is that if its bad enough (mine definitely was) you can not cook or eat in your house because the flies will land in your food. EWE! who wants to eat flies?!?! I plan to call Orkin next week to exterminate any and all bugs I have in my apartment (don't get me started on the roaches and fleas). I figured I would just try my hardest to get rid of them on my own in the meantime.

I have found that if I fan my food while in my room where there is not as many flies, I am able to eat in there with little to no issues. Not being able to cook, has however cause a major issue for me. On the first day of having this fly problem I decided not to cook at all and to just take cold foods to work for lunch.

My lunch: 3 Hotdogs and about 4 oz of cheese the orange one is cheddar and the while is habanero white cheddar. Being pregnant has caused to want LOTS of cheese all the time. Note to self: habanero cheese is no good when you have heartburn!

On day two, I had a brilliant idea: maybe if I cook in the oven (where there are no flies) I can manage to cook a meal without getting flies in it. Every week I make weekly menus to keep myself on track (I really am a creature of habit). On the menu for that day was hamburgers, and since I did not have bread they were " mini biscuit burgers". Biscuits are cooking in the oven, so that was no problem, burgers however... I typically cook on the stove. Not this time! I threw those little buggers on a cookie sheet and popped them in the oven, and it worked! 

My meal shown below, biscuit burgers and canned carrots. And yes of coarse my burgers had a TON of cheese on them :] These were definitely nothing to rave about but they worked out in a pinch.

I was able to eat the whole meal in my bedroom, without consuming any flies. One fly did decide to take a swim in my milk though. GROSS! but hey, one fly isn't all that bad for the amount I have swarming in my house right now.

So what am I going to do for the rest of the two weeks until Orkin comes? I have no earthly clue. I suppose I will just take it one day at a time for now.