Lately I have been thinking about all the things I wish I could have... for Bear, for Anthony, and for myself. I am not materialistic but I do enjoy having things that I want (hey who doesn't?). While thinking about these things I wondered to myself "When will I be able to buy them?" So I decided to add up all of my family's finances and see how much money we would have left over each month for buying things that we want to have (I was hoping to buy one new thing a month). Before Anthony moved in I had about $1,000 left over after the bills were all paid. But at the time I also had roommates living with me taking a large amount of the rent over for me. I assumed that since my roommates left and they were paying me about $500 a month to stay with me that we would have approx. $500 left over. Then I subtracted $300 for food/gas and that would leave us with $200 a month for things that we wanted. Perfect right? WRONG!
Turns out I didn't take into account that Anthony comes with his own set of bills. After I added all of those in my once $500 was now down to a mere $115 and that is before food and gas, and car insurance (because he isn't sure the price of his car insurance). So, long story short we don't have enough money. I think we may be able to make it work but we will have to eat very cheap! And only buy the cheapest of things. And we won't be able to buy anything that is not an absolute necessity... ever. And when I have to take mandatory unpaid vacations from my job in Nov. and Dec.... well I have not idea what we will do then.
At this time Anthony is not working. We wanted him to stay home and care for Bear. We feel it is better for Bear. Now it is clear that Anthony needs to get a job. He is okay with this and has even started looking for one all ready but the problem is, if Anthony gets a job we will have to pay for daycare which will cost about $500 a month. So if Anthony can not get a job that is making at least $700 a month well there will be no point because he would just be going to work to pay for daycare.
Even if he got a job making some amount of money. Chances are we would have different working schedules (because he works in security), and we would never even see each other but for a few minutes a day. Thinking about that deeply depresses me. I love being around Anthony and I can not even bare to think of not seeing him but for a few hours. And for what? an extra $200 a month? I am not so sure it is worth it. I think that maybe we should just cut back and try hard to find another solution to this issue.
A long while ago I used to sell on Etsy. I had a shop that sold handmade crayons and soap. I was very good at what I did and I made a lot of money. I have been thinking about starting this up again but I am VERY reluctant and keep holding back. The reason being, the last time I quit was because I got much to overwhelmed with orders and was not able to fill them all. I was overloaded with stress and it put me in an overall bad mood. If I did start doing Etsy again I would have to fill orders when I come home from work. So basically I would wake up at 5 AM, go to work at 6:30 AM, get home at 4 PM, cook dinner/eat/clean up, and then at 6 PM I would have to start filling orders which can take HOURS! So when will I ever be able to spend time with my baby? Or Anthony? I will be basically working 24/7 with just a two hour break to cook dinner and eat. I want to do Etsy I really do but that seems like a too large of a sacrifice to make. The other thing with Etsy is you always have to have it on your mind, the creative process never ends! I remember when I was doing Etsy my mind would never rest it was in business mode all day everyday. This interfered with my bonding process with Seth. It was like I didn't have the time to bond with him. I feel so awful about that but my mind just would not knock it off, all I could think about was how to make my shop bigger and better. I am SO very fearful that this will happen with Bear as well.
The thing is, if I am going to start doing Etsy. I need to start now, while I have the money. In a few weeks Anthony is getting a settlement check from a car accident, and I am getting my tax return. Anthony will also soon be getting his tax return. To continue on with Etsy we will need a large sum of money to get it started. That sum of money we will have now. But will not come into any amount of money for anything until Jan of 2014 when our tax returns come next year. What a tough decision to make.
So what am I to do? We surly wont make it if I don't do something. But what? I need to pray for clarity on this, I really do. And speaking of praying... I am wanting so badly to improve my relationship with God. If I am working 24/7 how will I be able to do that? How will I be able to give him my all? I wish there was another solution. Maybe I can think of something else.
